Wednesday, December 31, 2008

And this is why we're losing sleep at night...

this is the driving teenager.

Her boyfriend from across the country is in town - with us - for the holidays.

Walker's cyclops nightvision that he got for xmas - that's coming in handy - that's all i'm sayin'.

Monday, December 29, 2008

So when do you chuck it all and follow your bliss?

and how does one determine their "bliss"?

I mean, i'm pretty sure that i when i was 7 years old I didn't think "Man, I can't wait to grow up and manage operations for an ISP - that's going to ROCK." ...yeah, certain on that one.

For starters, ISPs didn't exist.

For seconders - i'm pretty sure it went something like "When I grow up I want to be veterinarian". And then when i found out later that i had to go to college for like a gazillion years (hey, when you're 7, a gazillion years is all relative) I decided that I was just going to marry William Gailey and be his wife and have kids.

Then i started to really sound out his last name and decided, eh, maybe not so much.

That's when i just gave up planning my future and just decided that i didn't need to decide on anything serious like that at 7 years old. Actually, it was more likely that i discovered Shawn Cassidy and started to set my sights a little higher.

Unfortunately, that indecision stayed with me through the first few years of college.

Freshman Year
Dad: "What's your major?"
Me: "Journalism"
Dad: "I'm not paying for you to get a degree that won't earn you back the equivalent of your tuition in 2 years. Try again."

Freshman Year - Summer before Sophomore Year
Dad: "Have you decided on your major?"
Me: "Journalism"

Dad:"THAT AGAIN? Look you don't have to decide until next year anyway, try out a few things."

Sophomore Year
Dad: "You need to decide on your major:
Me: "What do YOU want it to be?"
Dad: "Anything that makes you happy."
Me: "Writing makes me happy."
Dad: "Then write about all the money you're making as an attorney."

And, i went to school one more semester and then...I DROPPED OUT.

And became a flight attendant. Are you proud now Daddy?"

And then I went into sales, and that job turned into a marketing job, which led to marketing manager's job, which led to operations which is where i now sit. AND I AM NOT FOLLOWING MY BLISS. I DO love my boss, and i actually really like doing what i'm doing, and i love the fact that i can sit by the pool and do my job remotely. THAT ROCKS. yes it does. BUT..This company. It is a really stressful environment. And those pool days - they rarely happen. It's more than likely you will find me sitting at my desk at 7 am and still there checking email at 7 in the evening. Where's the joy of remote work if you're tied to the desk longer than if you had to report to an office?? Not to mention, there's this little tiny voice that says "what about what I want to do?" - does that count?

I was eating breakfast with the driving teenager this morning who's getting ready to enter college soon and I gave her the only advice i could - FOLLOW YOUR HEART and the money will follow you. I wish someone had given me that advice a lot sooner. I hope she heeds those words.

So this year, I am going to work on following my bliss. Unfortunately, my bliss is turning out to be stalking houses. And flipping houses right now - not the best idea. But i am going to devote time and energy this year into what things i CAN do revolving around design and real estate. That part, the house part, i get honestly. Both my grandfather and father were builders/remodelers by trade. My dad went back to restoring houses for his second career in retirement, after doing that before his first 'real career' in aerospace. And since rockets aren't my gig...well...

Don't worry, there will be no sudden moves - but i have had enough of working for the 'man'.

and who is this man anyway?

Monday, December 15, 2008

This is your pug. This is your pug on drugs.

Right now I am cursing my vet.

Yeah, I know he's a kind man. He rescues animals. He goes to court (3 times in the last 2 months that i know of) to fight for animals that can't speak for themselves because they've been killed in horrendous ways by their owners. Animals LOVE him. You see no animals cowering in his waiting room. Dogs wag their tales and kitties purr when he picks them up.

So, why you ask, am i sitting here sewing a voodoo doll with his tufts of his hair? Because i am in PUG HELL here.

My pug is old. He is blind. He is also deaf. He's narcoleptic. And he has 2 to 3 seizures a day. Which causes him to lose his bowels. For that reason, he lives in our kitchen closed off by baby gates. I get up to the smell of coffee, dog poo and pee every morning. I mop the floor before i have my first cup of coffee and curse the vet.

I feed the boys, pack snacks for school and drop them off and come back to more dog poo and pee. I wash 4 towels a day and re-wash his doggy pillow countless times so that he's not sleeping on piss. This continues about every 4 hours - rinse, repeat.

Last Friday I gathered up my courage and called the vet to make the APPOINTMENT. I felt it was the right decision. For his little soul and for what little sanity i have left. The vet was out so i left a message. He called me back that night and suggested that maybe we should put the dog on phenylbarbitol, before we pull the pug plug. Now, see, here is where you're going to see the side of me i'm not so proud of. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO RUN A DOGGY NURSING HOME HERE INDEFINITELY.

I have 2 small boys, 2 small kittens, 1 large cat, 1 teenage girl driving, 2 of us that BOTH work from home (a SMALL home), a job that has not told me if i'm keeping this job after merger or if they are going to make me move across the country, one boy being diagnosed with several PPD issues and I'm having panic attacks while trying to keep sane. I AM NOT UP FOR THIS.

But somehow, with all of this running through my head, my mouth still betrayed me and i showed what a spineless jellyfish i really am, and said "Ok, i'll pick the pills up". And i did. And i cursed some more. And i popped a beer. Which i handed to Vance and then made a Vodka Tonic. In a tall glass. That would be the pink tumbler you see here. Yes, it was full. That little white thing? That's a serenity candle that i thought about throwing at the vet the next time i saw him.

This is the pug.

This is the pug on drugs.

I think he looks happy. Don't you?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

That's going to be a 2 minute penalty...

Conversation in the backseat during a 2 hr car ride.

Walker: "Nate, why are you bringing that stupid thing - it's not a real hockey stick."

Nate: "I know that. But i like it and i can use it as one."

Walker: "That's retarded, you don't even have anything to use for a puck. And you have to play outside on the driveway. You need a ball, There's not going to be a ball at the condo."

Nate: "You don't know - there might be one in the garage."

Walker: "Whatever - you KNOW you're gonna need a ball."

Nate: "Well.. I could just use your head."

Ok, see - now i KNOW that i wasn't supposed to laugh - especially OUT LOUD at that. You should never ever show appreciation at one child's humor at another child's expense. But oh my freakin' god - Walker just got checked.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Getting over the day with Merlot and Friends

and far be it from me to keep all the fun to myself. Well, aside from the wine. That bottle's MINE. BACK OFF BIOTCHES.

Check out this stuff - pure entertainment.

Want to give the PTA something to talk about - send your kid to the xmas cookie exchange with cookies made from this little gem pulled from - scroll down until you see FETUS COOKIE. Yeah, you read that right...go ahead, you know you're curious....

In the market for a new home? Look no further than - she collects the ODDEST real estate listing pictures and captions them to make you spew your chardonnay.

There's nothing funnier than real life - and if you like eavesdropping on other people's conversations - you will LOVE THIS SITE
OMG - i love NYC - and this just makes me want up and move.


So, how was your day?

10:00 am
Volkswagon Dealership: "Sheri? Your car's ready to be picked up - the final bill was $1700.00.
Me: "OK, Vance will come by and pick it up. Here's my credit card...."
1:00 pm
Vance: "Hey, the oil gauge is still not working and the car is doing the same damn thing it was doing before we took it in."
Me: "Then take it back - I just paid the equivalent of Walker's first semester of college to get it out of there -TAKE IT BACK."
Vance: silence.
Me: "Hello? Did you hear me? Did the phone drop?"
....more silence...oh now i can's STEAM coming through the cell phone.
Vance: "Fine."
Me: "Babe, i have to get it fixed - it's got to go back"

Vance: "OK. Fine. Let me go. I'll call you when i charge my battery."
...that is code for "Goddammit Sheri, I have a million things to do and being your valet is not one of them."
re-direct anger to VW.
Me: "Lillian? Yeah, it's Sheri, I just talked to Vance and he said that the oil gauge is still not working and the..."
VW Lill: "We tried to get it to correct it by unplugging the sensor and re-plugging it back in - but it still wouldn't stay consistently on - we did replace the fuel pump though so that hesitation should be worked.."
Me..escalating to talk OVER her: "Yeah - that hesitation that you're saying is fixed is still there and i expect that it should be gone now, like the $1700 out of my checking account."
VW Lill: "Well, just bring it back it in."
Me: "That's what i'm telling you we're doing."

re-redirecting back to V.
Message on V's phone: "Call me and let me know if you are REALLY going back to the dealership so i know what to tell the car rental place about returning the rental."
Call back conversation from V to me: " DIDN'T I TELL YOU I WAS TAKING IT BACK?"
Me: "KIND OF. You said FINE." grrrr.


Boss' Boss on phone: "Sheri, i need you to pull the month end labor hours and cross it against our month end productivity."
Me: "We don't get those numbers for another week, the report's 7 days in lag."
BB: "Yeah, that's not going to work - i need that like now."
Me: "I'll find out if we can get the report manually pulled - but then I'll have to piece meal the info and right now i'm in the middle of paying commissions...."
BB: "OK - so you can get it to me in an hour?"

Me: "Were you on our conference call about how to enter your sales into the tracking tool?"
Sales Mgr: "Well no, i had to be out in the field so i couldn't call in - can you just research those customers for me?"

Me: "Uhm, no, there's 1 of me and 100+ of you. That's why i had 3 different calls so that everyone could attend at least one of them to understand how to record your sales. You're going to have to do the research on these because the customer numbers don't exist."
Sales Mgr: "Well, i can't be the only one who's having this issue - do you know if the tool is working right?"

Walker: "Mo0mmmmmmmmmm, the dog is having a seizure again."
Me: "I'm coming...."
Walker "He just pooped all over the kitchen floor."

of course he did...........................................................
Boss' Boss: "Hey - i know you're slammed doing commissions, but i really need that productivity report - can you get it done by COB?
Me: "It's already 6pm."
Boss' Boss "No, MY COB, I'm in Oregon today."
Nate: "Mom I need sticks."
Me: "For what?"
Nate: "School"
Me; "why......"
Nate: "Teepees"
Nate: "and i need something to make Indians."
Me: "And how are you going to make these people?"
Nate: "Can we go to craft store tonight?"
Ok, teachers, can we just call the period between Thanksgiving and New Year's a free pass already??????
Walker: "Mom, the dog just threw up and peed on the kitchen floor again!"
Me: "I know, I see it. I'm looking for our cleaning towels. Keep him from walking through the middle of it."
Walker, holding the egyptian cotton Pottery Barn towels: "I got it already..."


Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving Fear

How many of you out there think to yourself, "God my life is great, i have everything i could possibly want and more. WHAT THE HELL IS THE UNIVERSE WAITING TO SPRING ON ME TO RUIN EVERYTHING BECAUSE I CAN'T POSSIBLY GET AWAY WITH THIS MUCH HAPPINESS?!?"

This fear of some impending doom waiting to rain down on me is nearly always present. Maybe it's from being raised by all of these southern, God-fearing women who taught me happiness = hell.

1) If you have sex before you're married, not only will you go to Hell (yes, Hell is ALWAYS CAPITALIZED) but you will surely get some horrendous disease and possibly die OR WORSE, GET PREGNANT. Yes. A unwed pregnancy always trumps disease in the disgrace book - at least in the bible belt.

2) Marriage is meant to be a contest for who can stay miserable the longest. DIVORCE - not allowed - this too, is sure hellfire and damnation.

3) You are not allowed to ENJOY EARNING A GREAT LIVING. Should you be a woman, you should NOT put yourself out there to climb the corporate ladder. People will just assume that you enjoy working over raising your children and your children will suffer. Children need their mothers at home. Working out of the home does not count. So what if you can be there to take your kids to school and be there when they get out - IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE A CONFERENCE CALL BEFORE DINNER - YOU SURELY SUCK AS A MOTHER. get where i'm going with this.

So, let's recap why I should NOT feel so comfortable in my current blissful state:

1) I HAD LOTS OF PREMARITAL SEX. And i ENJOYED IT. And i left men who were more concerned with their own pleasure than their partner's.

2) I divorced a man who could not find happiness in anything, and refused to participate in our marriage.

3) I love sex. oh, wait, i said that already.


And because of all of that - I have this little voice in the back of my head that tells me "Hey blondie - that job of yours - don't go get all attached because it can go away at any given moment ...POOF...just like that. And you'll be out on the street. How will you feed those little ragamuffins of yours - you in your Manolo's standing in line for soup. How the mighty can fall Sheri - DON'T EVER FORGET IT.

And that man you've fallen for? Yeah - he SAYS he loves you - but you fell for THAT before didn't you? How'd that work out? Sucked didn't it? Yeah he says he loves you NOW. What's his tune going to be in a year or two? You're not all that great ya know. "

I HATE THAT VOICE. And yet, I can't shut it up. I wish I could because I love my life. In this exact moment. It.Is.Wonderful. I have a beautiful home. I have a great job. AND I LOVE MY BOSS. and that paycheck has allowed me to meet every bill and have enough left over to pamper that damn car that just started acting up.

And Vance. I can honestly say that I was never this happy in a relationship EVER. I fall asleep with the weight of his arm draped over me (and sometimes his leg, and sometimes, just sometimes with his light snore) and i feel SO happy and loved and complete.

I don't ever want to think of him not being in my life....and i think to myself, what a wonderful world.

OK - you KNOW what i mean.

But that voice - that GODDAM VOICE scares me. I wake up every morning thinking WHAT IF TODAY'S THE DAY? What if that bad thing happens today? I dare not type all the bad things that could possibly happen because i am THAT superstitious that if I put it out there, like a magnet - it will come to me. And every night I say my prayers and thank God, that nothing bad occurred.

HEY UNIVERSE - send me a sign it's going to be ok - i can't take stress and i can't afford Prozac.

Monday, November 24, 2008


So, a few months back i think in the middle of some rant about the ex's parenting savvy, i mentioned that for the most part we get along pretty damn good. I didn't? Really? Ok, well my bad. Because for the most part, we do - now that we're divorced and if we can contain the parenting conversations to those that we agree on. Like the fact that my boys are by far the smartest children ever, not to mention the best athletes...oh, and god aren't they CUTE???

If we stick to THAT script - we are GREAT parents.

Anyway, back to the point.

This week I took the bitch to get serviced. The bitch is my Touareg.

She's your essential "I'm beautiful, I don't have to run ALL the time. Good god woman didn't we just go to the grocery store 2 days ago...why in THE HELL are you asking me to drive you somewhere again?? Those little rugrats you want to pick up from school - THEY GET CRUMBS OF SHIT IN BETWEEN MY SEATS AND LEAVE NASTY STICKY STUFF ON MY CARPET. Get rid of those children." car.

Well, i think she viewed this as her SPA getaway - so she's manufactured fake reasons to get the dealership to pamper her over the weekend and left me, her rightful owner, screwed without a car. The little bitch knew I had not one, but TWO football games on Saturday and like a million errands to run on Sunday - as it IS THE WEEKEND BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

But no, she got her little fuel injected panties in a twist and left me without her high heel wheels.

So...I had to ask the ex to pick us up and take us to the field on Saturday. Not entirely a big deal. But then, he pulled into the driveway and SHE got out. The NEW me.

Now, let me first say - she's not really new - she's been around for months. And there is this big joke in my house that I heart my ex's girlfriend. And to some degree that's true. She's nice, she's cute and my boys love her so for the most part, I'M GOOD. And she's a trainer for teachers and she helps my kids with their homework when it's his week - SO I'M REALLY GOOD there. It could probably be said that there are days when i like her more than i like him.

So, she gets out of the front seat and MOVES AROUND TO THE BACK.

WTF??????? Seriously.

Now that just weirded me out. I even said - hey, i'll get back there with the boys - stay in the front seat. But she just looked at me and said no, it's no big deal and sat down in the back.

So I sat down in the front seat of my ex-husband's car and it became the The New Adventures of Old Sheri.

I'm sitting there, like i had on a million car trips before, with the kids in the back and it felt like I had time-jumped back 5 years.

Except that i had an extra in the car.

That had been on a date with my ex the night before.

Which probably ended in...ok, i won't go there. It wasn't that great then, and i really don't want to think...well, just EW.

That i was actually making conversation with about what they did on their date, where they went, yada yada yada.

My mouth was carrying on the conversation but my mind was cursing Vance like a sailor for taking his car to St Pete to watch his daughter's band competition over the weekend. "No, please go, this isn't a big deal - so i'll be without a car until Monday - it's not an issue - have fun." Yeah.

Sitting in that front seat where i had sat a million times before opened a floodgate of emotions that left me feeling like a snowglobe in a 5 year old's hands. All at once, every fight that we had had during every road trip we had taken jumped out at me as a reminder of why we're not good together. Validation for correcting that wrong. But then, to see my family unit all together in the car - THAT affected me. I still feel so unbelievably guilty about tearing my children's world apart. Everyone tells me that time will turn that guilt around. Well what kind of time are we talking about because i don't see that albatross leaving me anytime soon.

And then there's the whole "girlfriend" thing. I watch how they interact. I hear about their dates or outings in the normal flow of conversation and here's what goes through my mind. Is he going to screw this up? Has he learned anything?

Everytime i hear of them going out - it's in a group of his friends, sometimes hers, but for the most part - always a group. That got real old for me - i wanted to spend time with him away from his family and his friends - but it was never to be which is a big reason i left. He refused to have a relationship with his wife. Does she know that? Probably not. Will she, at some point, say "hey - i need "us" time like i did and get fustrated? What will happen? Will my boys who have already become attached to her get a broken heart if they break up?

What about kids - she's younger - will she want her own? She's a teacher - certainly she will - she loves kids. He's said before he didn't want anymore which is why i had my tubes tied - will he change his mind for her? What if they don't talk about any of this and she's swinging along thinking it will all work out. OR that she can change him. I want to pull her aside and scream 'HAVE A TALK AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE GETTING WHAT YOU NEED because that one? He's not so good at the hard conversations.' But i can't. It's not my place.

When i divorced him - this is something i have to say i didn't dwell on. It seemed lightyears away. Time flies. It will all come out in the wash as my grandmother would say. She's right. I just hope we don't have too many "repeat" cycles. My fingers are crossed for all of us.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Heavy conversations between a 7, 8 and 39 year old.

Me: "So, boys, you know how we've been hearing on the news that a lot of mommies and daddies lost their jobs this year? And remember how I said a lot of them are not going to have a lot of money to buy Christmas presents for their kids? We need to decide how we're going to help - we can adopt a family for presents this year. OR we could sponsor a family that needs food from the Mustard Seed. Or we can give smaller amounts to each and help both. AND you can help by cleaning out your playroom and weeding out the toys that you don't play with anymore and we can donate those to goodwill or the church.

Nate (T2): Mommy - what about Santa - he'll bring toys to those kids! Maybe you can call the parents and tell them not to worry, that Santa will bring their kids stuff. Then, we can give food to the hungry kids.

Walker (T1): Mom, what about God - you and grandma said that God always takes care of us. How is he taking care of those people?

I'm definitely not having a Bill Cosby moment here. Where are my words???

Nate: Isn't Santa magic?

Me: Yes.

Nate: Then he can just magically make some more toys overnight right?

Me: No, the elves do that and that takes time and materials, and he's running out of both. We'll help - that's all.

Nate: He can always go by ToysRus like he did last year.

Me: What??

Nate: You know, like last year - when we found the ToysRus bag in the garage after Christmas and you said Santa had to go there because he left one of my toys at the North Pole.


Walker: He's not real, is he?

Me: Walker - of COURSE SANTA'S REAL. What makes you think he's not real?

Walker: I meant God. Is he real? I mean is He going to help those people get food?

Me: He is helping them - God sends a message to us and tells us what to do to help them. That's how he helps - through all of us. We just have to say "ok".

Walker: How come he let them lose their jobs though?

Me: Ok, you know what? It's late, we have a tree to decorate and a train to put around the bottom of it. And you haven't had baths. Let's go - take your plates to the kitchen, put them in the sink and let's get busy having some fun, ok?

This sucks. This is how these types of conversations that should be 'learning experiences' go in my house. I start with good intentions and this is how it ends up. I don't have good answers. I fumble when pushed by a 7 year old. Where did my brain go?? When did my boys get so smart and I get so not-smart? I don't think Walker bought it. Now I've got him questioning God. I don't want him to question God - i want him to see God in everything and in everyone. I wasn't kidding, where were my words??

Are you talking to your kids about being charitable? How do you answer the tough questions?

Friday, November 14, 2008

How MUCH against the law is stalking?

I mean, is it worse, if say, your victim couldn't walk, or for that matter run, away from you?

I mean, certainly, LOVE has to account for some of it right? I mean, what if I'm madly, truly, head over heels, can't bear to live without you, don't make me go another day without seeing you, in deep? Would a judge show mercy?

I swear on my life I mean no harm. I only have LOVE in my heart - and my kids? Those boys over there that need a haircut and one of which needs his mouth washed out with Ivory Soap? THEY LOVE YOU. You belong to us. That OTHER family - the one that so carelessly and without affection, tossed you aside? They didn't deserve you. They don't love you like I love you. Or they would have never walked out.

I think you're beautiful just like you are. YOU.ARE.PERFECT. I swear, I would never leave you. Just let us prove to you what a great family we can all be. You'll see. You'll like it with us. LOVE it with us. We'll never ever let you go...

IT'S A HOUSE. I'M TALKING ABOUT A HOUSE. A HOUSE THAT HAS MY NAME ALL OVER IT, BUT NO..........I CAN'T SELL THIS i drive by. and i think about things that i should never think of. Like, how amazing it would be to see white xmas lights strung on the eves and see a HUGE xmas tree lit up in that big dining room window. Or a roaring fire in that fireplace. And what you can't see? There is a fire place on the porch. Built in the 60's way before outdoor fireplaces were hip - YEAH BABY. and that kitchen - totally redone. AND IT HAS A MAID'S QUARTERS. A MAID'S room. I know I don't have a maid...i have BETTER! Maids you have to actually pay and give time off to - I HAVE INDENTURED SERVANTS. Sure they're small - but they're the perfect size to squeeze behind stuff like the washer or dryer and get lint. And time off? They get that when they go to Dad's.
Meet the object of my affection, all 2700 sq feet of her. Ok, not really. Just a few small glimpses that I stole off of Goodnight house. Sweet dreams. I'll visit you tomorrow. It will be ok. It will all work out, I swear.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Mindful Mondays

Not 'wordless' like Wednesdays. But keeping in the spirit of having a thankful heart and praying for our great country and our President Elect, a meditative moment.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Keeping Perspective

I know last week I promised a post every day about something I'm thankful for, however i'm finding it hard to be thankful that i have another parent-teacher conference for my oldest on Monday. It appears that he's not putting his homework in the basket in every morning, even though he has it AND he felt the need to tell everyone in his class today that Elvis died on the toilet (don't ask, i have no idea) AND she won't release his report card until i meet with her. So, cut me some slack as I have a feeling this is a glimpse of my life for the next 14 years. IF he can get through college in one go without academic probation (he IS his father's child).


I am beyond stressed that I have to justify my job by re-interviewing for a position that i've held for 2 years due to this hostile takeover, er..i mean merger. A position, mind you, that i was not originally hired for, but morphed into because they didn't take all aspects of our department into consideration during creation. I am more than aggravated and concerned that my fate somewhat rests in someone else's hands who i don't think really gets the workload of any of these positions considering our budget constraints and restrictions on hiring. Mind you, this person of whom I speak, is NOT my boss. I'm VERY upset that my boss is beginning to stress out and she is the cornerstone of this department - she's amazing and i'm afraid i won't get to work for her anymore or continue to learn everything she has to teach me. THIS SUCKS AND I'M SCARED.



This damn zoo I call my house. Mini, the girl kitten, had diarahhea and proceeded to walk through it with all 4 paws, and THEN RUN LIKE THE WIND THROUGH THE GREAT ROOM. Across the ivory carpet. That's about when my old, blind, deaf, NARCOLEPTIC pug decided to hurl up his breakfast all over the kitchen tile - and then of course, in an act of pure culinary delight - EAT HIS VOMIT. He then got so worked up that i was keeping him from his wonderful second breakfast - his narcolepsy kicked in, which caused him to fall over into the puke, dead asleep and piss all over himself. So, let's recap, kitty poo, doggy vomit, cat AND dog bath, and floor mopping all before 8 am!


Going for mom of the year and in the process getting death glares from the woman at the polling place on election day. Look lady, this is THE most important, historic moment so far in my childrens lives and UNBELIEVABLE for us as country to experience. SO IF I WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT THEY WERE THERE, THEY WERE A PART OF IT - SO BE IT. You need to relax, or reconsider volunteering to man the polls next go around. Thank you to all the OTHER poll workers who agreed that the children to be able to SEE how mommy votes, and how important this is for ALL OF US. They GOT it.

I'm grateful that I live HERE. That we get to vote at all and have a say in how our country's run. AND I'M SO FREAKIN' PROUD OF US TO HAVE COME SO FAR. Good for us. I heart my new president. God, it's great to be able to say that for a change. Oh, and California and Florida and any other of you states that decided it was ok for some people to be married and others not - well shame on you.

There is always going to be crap that pushes our patience and tests our limits. But at the end of the day, you can always be sure that someone else has it worse. period. Bitching about your job - at least you have one. Kids making you batty? Someone's struggling with infertility or even worse, lost a child and is experiencing heartbreak un-imaginable. Car back in the shop and it's $500 to get fixed - you HAVE A CAR. Paint is peeling on the house trim, the faucet is leaking again or you just got a glimpe of what your heating bill is going to be this winter - THOSE ARE BLESSINGS PEOPLE. This post is more for my own benefit than anyone else's as I've been quite the mess of 'WHY ME?'s lately - but it's JUST LIFE. Not the train wreck i'm making it out to be. But ask me again in a week :)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

30 Days of Thanks

In honor of what this month is really about, I think it's appropriate to just say at least one thing I'm thankful for every day. So, today I'm thankful for my dad. It's his birthday today, so that makes it even more appropriate. Happy Birthday Daddy!

Things he taught me:
  1. How to chop wood.
  2. How to light a fire.
  3. How to mow the grass.
  4. How to drive a car.
  5. How to water ski.
  6. How to drive a boat so HE could water ski.
  7. How to snow ski.
  8. How to shoot a gun.
  9. How to fish.
  10. How to sew. Yes, sew. He likened it to following a pattern for woodworking - go figure.
  11. How to drive. He raced stock cars for a living up until I was born.
  12. How to appreciate really fine homes and antiques.
  13. Why preservation of historic homes is important.
  14. How to paint without drips and streaks, and whether you can use latex over oil (you can't) and why prepping first is important.
  15. How to use a nail gun without killing myself
  16. How to use a chop saw.
  17. How to use a circular saw.
  18. How to do minor electrical stuff, like wiring new outlets and hanging lights and ceiling fans.
  19. How to refinish furniture without taking my skin off.
  20. How to read blueprints.
  21. How to read if a sub-contractor or a contractor, for that matter, is lying.
  22. How to find my way around Home Depot.
  23. How to install a garbage disposal.
  24. How to use a wet saw.
  25. How to lay tile. Only work in small areas, don't get ahead of yourself. Wear gloves when grouting or your hands are gonna feel like they've been in the desert afterward. It takes really 3 or 4 good cleanings to REALLY get the haze off of new tile where it doesn't come back.
  26. Measure twice, cut once.
  27. Sometimes the garage is the safest place to be, or the best place to work out anger, sadness, or overall angst. Or hide. Sometimes you have to hide.
  28. Mistakes are lessons to NOT do something that way again. It's ok - it can be redone.
  29. You're probably going to know more about building and fixing things than any man you date. That's ok, don't rub it in, but if he won't at least TRY - let that be a lesson.
  30. Home Depot or Lowes CAN lower prices on stuff, JUST ASK. It's your money, you're the only one who can protect it.
  31. Girls are often better than boys at this stuff because we're THOROUGH.
  32. Don't ever let a tradesman talk down to you - you've learned from the best :)
  33. Some jobs are better left to the professionals. Know when.
  34. Get at least 3 quotes.
  35. Cheapest is just that - you get what you pay for.

My dad was often teased that he wanted a boy instead of a girl because of everything he made me learn. I don't believe that's at all true, I think he just wanted to spend time with me, and i with him. I know I learned so much more than what i listed - but it's the memories of us together while learning those things that will stay with me forever. I love you Dad.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Truth be told, this is one of my favorite holidays - does it even qualify for a holiday? I mean, we don't get the day off from work but if you qualify holidays by $$ spent on the day itself - this family of mine is usually up there - that is except for THIS year.

As most of you know, our house is for sale and we went light on the decorating this year so that we people could actually SEE the house LOL. But next year, IT'S ON. And of course, the year that i decide to scale it back, i see so many GREAT ideas. It figures. Oh well.
In honor of the holiday, and in honor of the fact that i need to actually WORK today at my real job, not my blog (sigh, one day, i will figure out how i can make my writing pay me) - i leave you with a short post and a peek into my china cabinet - the one place we actually decorated for today :)
See the blood in my crystal stemware? Isn't that the greatest? It's even better now because it seems to be evaporating and leaving a pale gross red tint on the upper half of the crystal - totally creepy and gross. PERFECT. Of course, there's always spiders and spiderwebs and rats. But blood, blood is always
good. You can't see it very well, but those red blobs on the back of the cabinet are bloody letters that spell out BEWARE...drip, drip, drip...
And a collection of skulls...must have shrunken body parts. And more blood, and creepy boney hands and fingers...and look at his tiny rat head peering over the pile of skulls in my little compote. (Funny how my Southern Living at Home catalog never showed that little compote in such a setting...hmmm....well, I think it works.)
Next year, I'm following Just A Girl's path and doing glitter bones under a bell jar and a creepy black flower arrangement for the dining room table.
I might have to even make a trip to Disney just to go through the Haunted Mansion and get even nmore ideas....Happy Trick or Treating everyone :-)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Hey mom, I can see through your head.

Whatever, you cannot.

Oh yeah I can.

Today was one of those days when you want to freeze time because you know that moments like this are fleeting.

The boys will grow up and forget, and my memory will fade.

But today, today I want to remember forever.

I want to remember how the sun felt on my face. I want to remember how the boys' laughter carried across the football field. I want to remember how my son's hand felt in mine walking across the field.

I want to remember my youngest being all serious about the game...

Ok, you go long, I"ll fake left...

Later on, after the game we went to the pumpkin patch because our absolutely fabulous fall day wouldn't be complete without picking the perfect pumpkin to bludgeon carve.

That white one just fell over as he walked up to it, it probably collapsed from fear. It knew what was about to take place.

Run Sally, he stole his head, ours might be next!

Poor Grandma...just wanted a nice quiet Saturday night ....

SILLY WOMAN, not while there are pumpkins to gut!

"I didn't know you were gonna kill it!" - Linus, It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

All the gruesome guts cleaned up and pumpkins ready to display...

Lights OFF!


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My pussy gave me an STD

I have gonorrhea. No, wait. Chlamydia.

See, and you were ready to just write me off for not posting this week...this is worth the wait.

No, i really don't have either of those but it is a good story. IF you're not me.

2 weeks ago this coming Saturday I wake up with a UTI. Yes, i was certain it was a UTI. I am a girl. Girls know their Vuh-jay-jays. We understand that whole 'nether world down there.

We know our period down to when it should and should not show up, we know when the cramps will set in, we know how many light, heavy and WTF (?!) tampons we're going to need at any given time. We know how we get a UTI, we know what it takes to doctor ourselves until we get a script (AZO), and we know to pee after sex to avoid them if possible. We know yeast and monistat and itch. We.know.

So when i woke up all dancin' around to pee - and like a drop came out and i STILL.HAD.TO.GO. but couldn't - i knew. And of course, it was a Saturday and my GYN doesn't call in scripts. crap. Soooooooo...field trip to the 'ole Centra Care Walk in. Just great. Explain symptoms to the new, young, let me get out the med school book doc and presto, i have a script in my hand.

I say to young, wet behind the ears, doc - "I'm allergic to Noroxin - this doesn't have the same stuff in it right - my throat closes up and i go from breathing to dead in like 5 minutes."

Young doc "Uhm, no, this is a different drug. They must not make that anymore because i googled (oh, yes, she did say that) when i saw that on your sheet for allergies and it doesn't even come up."

Well, i feel better now. Google has everything. I mean, I'd be concerned if she said she looked it up in her Encyclopedia Brittanica - but Google - I'm good, right?

So, script in hand i go to the pharmacy and hand it over to OLD pharmacist.

Me: "So, i asked the doctor if this was similar to Noroxin because i'm very allergic to that - and she said no, so this is ok for me to take, right?"

Old pharmacist peering over bifocals (old is good, old = experience): "Only if she's trying to kill you - you can't take this, it's almost the same drug. They don't make Noroxin anymore, but this has the same base - you can't take it."

Glad i asked.

So, old pharmy calls and gets a new script for me and sends me on my way.

I take the new meds, go out to dinner and continue to get worse. Over dinner, my friend Christine says not to worry - you'll feel a hundred percent better by tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes. Now i have a fever, chills and my body feels like it's been hit by a truck. This isn't 100% better. I'm pretty sure it's 180% in the opposite direction.

So, V packs me up and we go to another (yes, i'm a glutton for punishment)Centra Care. It IS Sunday remember - my only other alternative is the emergency room. But wait, i don't want to jump ahead to THAT part of the story...

We get there and i explain to the college kid behind the counter the story of what has happened thus far to get me to his doorstep (but i'm pretty sure that all he could hear was the pounding in his head from his all nighter at the clubs that probably ended an hour before his shift at the walk in.) And he instructs us to sit.

And wait.

and wait.

oh, and wait some more.

an hour later the OLD doctor comes in.

Now, see, the only thing worse to see in a walk-in clinic, besides a YOUNG doctor, in my opinion, is an OLD doctor.

Let's face it, the old doctors should either be sitting on advisory boards and planning their retirement, or golfing and brunching on Sunday mornings.

They should be WAY PAST doing their time in the 7-11 of doctor's offices. I was a little concerned.

He comes in, looks at my chart, looks at me and then looks at Vance (yes i am a baby, and yes he has to come in with me most of the time in case i die. Yes, i always take it to that extreme) and says in all seriousness. "I think i need to send you to the emergency room. I can't perform the tests that i need here, and you need attention now."

Me, not nearly as scared, as you might think by what he just threw out there: "Tests? What are you testing for exactly? I thought i had a really bad UTI."

Him, glancing at V again, and then at me, and then back to V (Good lord man, spit it out): "Well, this is a delicate conversation to have, and i'm not sure..."

Me, now just annoyed: "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

Him: "I'm just saying that the symptoms you have indicate a sexually transmitted disease."

OK, THIS IS WHERE BOTH VANCE AND I START LAUGHING. Doc man doesn't take this too well. In fact, he seems to infer that this is our only possibility. SERIOUSLY.

So, Van says "Look, she, we, don't have VD, but if you need to do tests on her to rule that out to find out WHAT'S REALLY WRONG WITH HER - i'll take her to the ER."

And that's where we head next.

ER triage nurse: "Ok, what brings you here?"

Now, let me explain. They have triage set up RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ER WAITING ROOM. I was not about to yell "CENTRA CARE THINKS I HAVE GONORRHEA" i lean in and whisper "Centra care thinks i have gonorrhea" .

She leans back in her chair, giggles, rolls her eyes and says "Uhm, do YOU think you have gonorrhea?"

Me: "No, i went in thinking i have a UTI, and out i come out with VD. If i go back, I'm afraid they'll diagnose me with HIV."

Her, laughing: "Honey, no offense, i think he had good intentions, but do you have any other symptoms? You're not exactly the profile for VD."

Me: "I have no idea what other symptoms would be"

Her: "discharge?"

Me: "No." Like i said, i know my Vuh-jay-jay.

Her: "Go home, take the meds the first doctor gave you, take some motrin, and call your own doctor tomorrow am. I'm not testing you for VD, that's absurd."

Thank you kind nurse, while you made me laugh, i still don't know what the hell's wrong with me.

Next morning. Lymph nodes are like marbles under my skin and i can't get out of bed.

I call my regular doctor. In case you were wondering, he is the perfect age. Not too young, not too old. He's my age within a few months. And he's cute. And he talks with me, not to me. And he believes in a balance of eastern and western medicine.

Regular doctor says "come in now".

And i do. And i don't wait for more than 15 minutes. (Have i said he's perfect?)

I tell him the story of my no good, very bad, weekend and that i'm dying from an STD.
And he looks at me and says "well, clearly, a mother with 2 children in her late 30's living in Maitland (it IS kind of uppity little town) fits that description."

He looks at my legs and sees where my kittens have gone to town climbing up my legs like they were using a jungle gym, and says i have Bartonella, cat scratch disease.

No STD. But i did get it from my pussy. BAWAAAAAAAAAAA. sorry, couldn't resist.

Evidently, if you let Bartonella go too long without meds, it will settle in your urinary tract and manifest itself in the same manner as a UTI. Except you get the added bonus of a fever, chills and feeling even more like shit. Who knew?

So, i am on the second round of a z-pack and am almost fully recovered.

I apologize for being so absent these last few days, but give me a break - I WAS DYING PEOPLE, DYING, I SAY.span>

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Advice to My Nieces

Do you remember when putting on make up was FUN?

When your lip color came from a cellophane pack of 6 bonnie bell tubes and little gloss pots of lip glosses in sugary colors?

I couldn't WAIT to dig into my stocking at Christmas because my mom would always stick those bonnie bell glosses and such in there, and i was, well, snort, like a kid at Christmas. As i got older, bonnie bell morphed into Clinque. And then eventually Estee Lauder and Victoria's Secret. (Hey, every woman should be part lady part tramp vamp.)

I still get palpitations when Christmas rolls around and all the gifts with purchase hit the counters at Macy's.

I think my niece has gotten the bug.

This is what she did to occupy herself Saturday during my boys' soccer game:

Isn't that the GREATEST lip palette EVER?? Seriously...look closely...those are LIPS holding the gloss - CUTEST.THING.EVER.

Come on, you know as well as I do that if you got to pull out an artist's pallete of frosty lip glosses and cool blue eyeshadows and it didn't matter that you looked like a Walgreen's hooker, you'ld be all dolled up at work EVERYDAY.

Well, my dear sweet girls - it's official, you're girly girls and I think it's wonderful. As you grow into young women, embrace your femininity, it's a beautiful thing. Love your body, love getting dressed up and enjoy all of those little pots of wonder. Just know with or without those magic bottles and glosses, you're still amazing.

I saw these words below, and while you're too young to care now, eventually it will matter to you what some young man thinks. I feel lucky enough to have found someone that does all of these things and you're special enough to hold out for someone like this - always keep this in mind:

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.' "

Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Difference Between a Playmate and a Wife

Thing 1, going through the mail for xmas catalogs: "...when is the ToysRus book coming, it's Octo......Whooooaaa howdy...!"

Ok, not sure i want to know what sparked those last two words..

Oh for fuck's sake. He's got V's Playboy magazine that came in the mail. Don't panic. He can smell fear. Calmly ask him if he can put that down and help you set the table....

Me: "Uhm sweet pea, kind of need some help here with the plates - can you put that down and grab them?" Yeah, that's good...nice and calm. We don't want him to think it's contraband, then i'll surely find it in his sticky little hands later. Ewww. scratch sticky. bad choice of words. And i certainly don't want him thinking that the naked body is bad...let's handle this delicately...

T1, eyes WIDE, as the centerfold falls open.

Me: "HONEY, I asked you to PUT THAT DOWN AND HELP ME SET THE TABLE. That is not for your eyes." Please don't ask me whose eyes it's for...

T1, putting magazine back on top of mail: "Mom...?" Joseph, Mary and it comes...dammmmmit...

Me: "Yes..."

T1: "V knows what you look like naked, why does he need to see this?".

Me: "Good question, babe, good question. I'm sure it's for the articles."

T1: "What are articles?" Yeah, i'm kind of sure Vance would ask that same question...

Later, over dinner, conversation turns to T2....

T2:"...and then Nicholas said that I was stupid and lame."

Me: "Really??"

T2: "Yeah, and I think HE'S the stupid one. He's the one that says this girl in class is his girlfriend, but he can't call her that because she HATES him."

Me: "Right...that would make her a wife..."

T2: "..huh?"

Me: "...nevermind..."

Monday, October 6, 2008

I can't make this sh*t up.

"...She dared to bring her gift of healing into an underworld of thieves, drug addicts, murderers!"

Golly. What will our heroin do next? Does she take her doctor's bag to the street to bring her gift of healing to the homeless?

I know! She takes over the boys and girls home as head mistress and fights the city to keep the home open! No?...

This? This is her new adventure..?!?

...a world class men's club. can't be!
A strip club!?!?

This woman must have one helluva of an on-call schedule...

Bless her heart, she's caring for the elderly.

..and she's feeding the hungry too!

This woman is heading into Nobel Peace Prize territory.
I wonder, does she carry shots for everything that shots can still get rid of...?....and..i bet there's purel in that bag...ONE CAN NEVER BE TOO CLEAN you know....oh, and Plan B for the strippers other caring women in the establishment. Does medicaid cover this?

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Unconquered my ass.

He hates it when I do this.

Grab him around the neck as we're about to go somewhere and do the


I swear I did have makeup on. Not lipstick. But i did have foundation on. And mascara. Ok, not on the left eye in the pic. Just the right one. No, i had not started tailgating yet. I simply had a small incident with the eyelash curler. That is an instrument of the devil, of that I'm sure. I was minding my business, holding the heated curler against said eye ( i do know how to do this i swear) with a firm grip to make the lash curl ever so tight...and...snap. WHAT THE ...I slowly released that torture device from my eye and there, laying ever so sadly WERE ALL MY UPPER LASHES. Well, not ALL. There were 3 left on the left, and 2 on the right. A BIG GAP in between.

Jiminy xmas.

Oh well...lashes be damned, there's a par-tay to get to...let's commence, shall we? Wait...come back here...i know everyone hates pictures of people they don't know...but dammit, i spent a lot of time putting together this drinkamentary, and lets not forget several eyelashes were killed in the making of this event just for your entertainment. Now where was I? see, this is how Vance's homeboys tailgate...pretty sweet, huh?

I have to admit, this is MUCH better than actually sitting on an actual tailgate. in the parking lot. in 99 degree heat. with no shade. and lots of idiots. drunk idiots passing footballs back and forth. falling over coolers of beer. and into grills of hot coals and burned hotdogs. maybe not as entertaining in that regard. but still better.

Let's breakdown this pic, less we leave anything out...

  1. Big Screen TV(far back right) - check
  2. Keg bar (straight back, past grampa in the dad jeans) - check
  3. Grandma's portable oxygen tank - check
  4. ......4. Me making room for more margaritas - check

Hey...wait, sit back down, ... there's more.

....not yet....

...come on....patience is virtue's the only virtue i've got, and it's going fast...... we go! DOAK STADIUM!

can you see it? ...there...just over the fence and through the trees....beckoning...

...and thus we begin the holy trek...

it's a beautiful site, isn't it?

Nope, you're not staring at a film must be drinking again....PUT DOWN THAT DRINK...

Osceola throwing the flaming spear into the ground! see baby, i DO pay attention to the details...


yeah, that motion the crowd is doing with their right arm..well..i'm not sure what we call that...certainly not the TOMAHAWK CHOP. is it still considered unPC to use that term??

What's that you say? Where's the action on the field? Oh...that. Yeah. Uhm. My batteries died? No? Not buying that? Uhm...ok, it RAINED OUT. No...? really? ALRIGHT. FINE. WE LOST. The pictures have been held to protect those guilty. DAMN OFFENSE. Don't they realize that I HAVE TO LIVE WITH A SHELL OF A MAN UNTIL THE NEXT WEEK???

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Attitude adjustment, and I took it out on the blog.

So.....whatcha think?

I've been in a re-arranging, decorating, nesting zone this weekend. Mostly because, well, IT'S on it's way. and when IT begins it's visit, i have found that in order to keep my mouth in check, i must keep my hands and brain busy.

So far this weekend I've:

  • gone to Costco. No, you may NOT sit in the cart, YOU'RE 7 YEARS OLD. Yes, we will go the halloween store after. No, we are not going to buy Madden 09, Christmas is around the corner, put it in your list to Santa. SANTA DOES TOO EXIST. Stop grabbing his shirt already. I know you're thirsty, that's why i told you to bring in your water bottle, i am NOT GETTING YOU A COKE.

  • gone to the boys soccer game (for those of you wondering, yes, they did behave Friday night, no they did not miss a minute of the game, and THEY WON. YAY boys!) Note to the woman who grabbed, then spanked her kid in front of me: I'm not saying it's child abuse, i've had my share of spankings and i've given a few as well, but it is NOT acceptable to do that in front of an entire audience of kids and parents. I don't want to see it, i definitely don't want to hear your kid wail, and you blocked my view of my oldest scoring a goal. THANKYOUVERYMUCH. Next time, it is far more appropriate to just remove the child and have a little 'come to jesus' meeting behind the field, over by the garbage cans. Yes, that IS the appropriate place for those talks, just ask any of the parents that were there - and you would be amazed at how effective a tight sqeeze on the arm as you drag them over there will be. You may find you don't even need to beat, i mean, correct them like that.

  • purchased not 1, not 2 BUT 3 (that's right - 3!!) Christmas gifts! i am an amazingly organized individual. That only leaves about 100 more gifts to go. Let's see, i think i can hold off now until Dec 23rd...

  • cleaned out the fridge Ok, i need a bigger fridge. What do you mean people actually clean these out weekly? Like once a week? Seriously? Hmm. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not gonna happen. Upside is we're ahead on this year's science project for 3rd grade. I'm pretty sure T1 will be able to take penicillin in it's natural state to class soon.

  • did the linens on all the beds I want a new bed. And some new sheets. Does santa know anyone at Restoration Hardware?

  • turned the china cabinet into a goul-ish apothecary for halloween (still needs some tweaking - but it's cute and the boys like it) T2, do not open the china cabinet again. Did you hear me? STOP, you're going to break the glass in the door slamming it like that. TURN THAT FORTUNE TELLING GHOST OFF - it's creepy as hell. DID YOU HEAR ME??!!?

  • read a few new blogs Thank you Diva Ma, for letting me drool over your template (it's the bomb) so much so that it prompted this renovation of my own. Great space woman!

  • downloaded pics for post this week Be warned, it's college football season, that's all I'm saying. Lots of FOOTBALL PICS COMING AT YA. Yes, you will get to see what i look like when i have been drinking margaritas all afternoon before a football game. Yes, I do still manage to look fabulous. Not as fabulous as i would if my eyelids were all the way open, but i have to give the other girls a chance, know what i mean? Oh, and i have some great pics from a great little concert we went to last week to. Once again, eyelides half-mast. Get a grip girl - NO DRINKING AND CLICKING WITH THE CAMERA.

  • subscribed to Mr. Linky (all because i want to participate in the fall drive by for porches on parade over here (she has the MOST BEAUTIFUL TASTE AND I DROOOOOOOOOL OVER HER SITE - look for her button somewhere around dammit...where DID i put it....ahh...there it is...look to the left for gorgeous front door pic)

  • Set up a new email account for Thing 1 so that he in turn, could set up a blogger account so that he could BLOG. Yes, ladies, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He has a laptop and isn't afraid to use it. Beware though, his posts will be more about Star Wars than mommy wars, and i gave him carte blanche to take his anger at me out through his writing. And, yes, that indeed IS how his blog came to be. I was trying my damndest to write this morning - i had such great plans. Sit on my back porch, with my coffee and laptop and blog my little heart out. His plan was to, well do ANYTHING to get my attention away from the laptop. keep my head from exploding (did i mention IT was on it's way?) i offered up this little nugget and he jumped on it. Yay me - one for me and his teacher - i figure this should count for daily journaling - right??

I'm exhausted just reading that list. So, are you in a nesting mood? Fall in Florida gets me there - our temps drop to tolerable, we can finally sleep with the windows open, and everything seems so ...perfect. At least for awhile. 5 MINUTES...JUST 5 MINUTES OF PERFECT. Is it too terribly much to ask?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Reason #2,855

Reminder number 2,855 of why i'm not still married to the Things' dad.

Exchange during the ex dropping the kids off after soccer practice this week.

Him: The game's at 1 o'clock Saturday.
Me: Ok. Boys, did you happen to mention to your dad that if you pull any of the shenanigans
that you pulled last night that you have to sit out for the first 15 minutes of the game?

Ts' heads simultaneously look at the pavement in the garage...hey, neat, there's a trail of ants heading into that crack, under that moving box....i wonder if we could makes ourselves small enough and disappear with them....

Him: Uh, no, we're not doing that. I need them for that game.

Excuse me?? Did you just say "we're not doing that" as if you have a fucking say? The last time i checked they were in my house, with my rules, and you're standing in my GODDAM garage. Back the fuck up.

Me: I'm sorry. That was not a suggestion. It's a reality. They know the rules, and that's the
price they pay if they repeat last night's performance. You don't get to mandate how I discipline in my own house.

That sound you hear is his head exploding. It's like the vulcan mindmeld, but on himself.

Him: You CAN'T do that, Sheri. That's not fair to me. You need to find something else to
take away. They have an obligation to their team. I need all my players.


Me: This isn't about you, it's about finding a currency that's so important to them they don't want to jeopardize losing it. Right now, that currency is soccer. Thank you Dr. Phil. How's that WORKIN FOR YA?.

Him: Then I'm not going to coach anymore, that's it.

Me: Ok?? I didn't tell you to coach in the first place - remember?

Him: We'll talk about this later. I'm calling Dr. Barker.

That is our post divorce family therapist. Why don't you call your mommy too? What do you think calling him is going to do? Now you're just embarrassing yourself. Stop. Now.

Me: There is nothing to talk about. And as long as they remember tonight to act appropriately, there isn't anything to worry about, because they'll be there for the full game.

Ok, in case you were wondering, this is your clue to LEAVE.

Him: They have an obligation to their team, SHERI.

Me: They also have an obligation to behave appropriately. That's part of it. If they don't want to let their team down, they need to start thinking about how their actions carry consequences, and those consequences affect OTHERS. Period.

Do you get it, at all?? Please leave. I'm beginning to take back everything i keep telling people about how great we all get along. And that's really starting to upset me. Because i really want to like you as a person, but you are testing my limits here bud.

Am I just a bad mom here? I feel like i'm doing the right thing. We never did see eye to on child rearing, and I'm ALWAYS made out to be the bad guy in these situations. I can't tell you how many times my kids have said to me "You're a mean mommy!"

And HE is wearing on me. He puts on a good show and IT PISSES ME OFF. He shows up for teacher conferences and is at every conference we've had for T1, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DAY TO DAY STUFF THAT MAKES THEM WHAT THEY ARE? Cooking dinner every night? I'm so goddam tired of hearing my kids say when they go over there they eat kids cuisine or have pizza. I'm virtually banned from ordering pizza in my house because it's a staple over there. T2 actually said to me after having been over at HIS house "mommy, can you cook tonight?". What about making them brush their teeth? OR making them REALLY bathe. OR CLEAN THEIR ROOMS?? OR like we just witnessed, hold them accountable for the little things like actions because one day, their actions ARE GOING TO HOLD CONSEQUENCES FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN A FREAKIN SOCCER GAME.

Everyone keeps telling me that i'm giving them what they need, but all i hear is how much i suck and how fun it is to be at dad's. I'M SO TIRED OF BEING WHAT THEY NEED, I WANT TO BE WHAT THEY WANT.