How many of you out there think to yourself, "God my life is great, i have everything i could possibly want and more. WHAT THE HELL IS THE UNIVERSE WAITING TO SPRING ON ME TO RUIN EVERYTHING BECAUSE I CAN'T POSSIBLY GET AWAY WITH THIS MUCH HAPPINESS?!?"
This fear of some impending doom waiting to rain down on me is nearly always present. Maybe it's from being raised by all of these southern, God-fearing women who taught me happiness = hell.
1) If you have sex before you're married, not only will you go to Hell (yes, Hell is ALWAYS CAPITALIZED) but you will surely get some horrendous disease and possibly die OR WORSE, GET PREGNANT. Yes. A unwed pregnancy always trumps disease in the disgrace book - at least in the bible belt.
2) Marriage is meant to be a contest for who can stay miserable the longest. DIVORCE - not allowed - this too, is sure hellfire and damnation.
3) You are not allowed to ENJOY EARNING A GREAT LIVING. Should you be a woman, you should NOT put yourself out there to climb the corporate ladder. People will just assume that you enjoy working over raising your children and your children will suffer. Children need their mothers at home. Working out of the home does not count. So what if you can be there to take your kids to school and be there when they get out - IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE A CONFERENCE CALL BEFORE DINNER - YOU SURELY SUCK AS A MOTHER.
...you get where i'm going with this.
So, let's recap why I should NOT feel so comfortable in my current blissful state:
1) I HAD LOTS OF PREMARITAL SEX. And i ENJOYED IT. And i left men who were more concerned with their own pleasure than their partner's.
2) I divorced a man who could not find happiness in anything, and refused to participate in our marriage.
3) I love sex. oh, wait, i said that already.
4) I LOVE MY JOB AND MY BOSS AND BEING ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS FINANCIALLY. I LOVE MY PAYCHECK. Oh yeah, I said it. You heard me. I CHASE THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR. At least by my mother's perspective.
And because of all of that - I have this little voice in the back of my head that tells me "Hey blondie - that job of yours - don't go get all attached because it can go away at any given moment ...POOF...just like that. And you'll be out on the street. How will you feed those little ragamuffins of yours - you in your Manolo's standing in line for soup. How the mighty can fall Sheri - DON'T EVER FORGET IT.
And that man you've fallen for? Yeah - he SAYS he loves you - but you fell for THAT before didn't you? How'd that work out? Sucked didn't it? Yeah he says he loves you NOW. What's his tune going to be in a year or two? You're not all that great ya know. "
I HATE THAT VOICE. And yet, I can't shut it up. I wish I could because I love my life. In this exact moment. It.Is.Wonderful. I have a beautiful home. I have a great job. AND I LOVE MY BOSS. and that paycheck has allowed me to meet every bill and have enough left over to pamper that damn car that just started acting up.
And Vance. I can honestly say that I was never this happy in a relationship EVER. I fall asleep with the weight of his arm draped over me (and sometimes his leg, and sometimes, just sometimes with his light snore) and i feel SO happy and loved and complete.
I don't ever want to think of him not being in my life....and i think to myself, what a wonderful world.
OK - you KNOW what i mean.
But that voice - that GODDAM VOICE scares me. I wake up every morning thinking WHAT IF TODAY'S THE DAY? What if that bad thing happens today? I dare not type all the bad things that could possibly happen because i am THAT superstitious that if I put it out there, like a magnet - it will come to me. And every night I say my prayers and thank God, that nothing bad occurred.
HEY UNIVERSE - send me a sign it's going to be ok - i can't take stress and i can't afford Prozac.
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2 comments:
Isn't Prozac covered in the health plan? Just a thought.
And waiting for the other shoe to drop? I do it too. I don't think we can help it.
I sure wish that I had an answer for you. Normally folks would say "oh, keep a gratitude journal" "Count your blessings", etc. but you already know how abundantly you're blessed; you're just in fear that it may someday go away and the retribution that was foretold by your judgemental, biased upbringing will surely come to pass.
Think of those voices and fears as rocks, a bunch of rocks that you carry around in a ratty old knapsack over your shoulder, hauling the darned things around with you every day. Now put down the knapsack and walk away. No! Don't you look back. It's not yours to carry any longer. Instead, thing of your man's arm - and sometimes his leg - wrapped around you. That's what's yours now. Amen!
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