So, a few months back i think in the middle of some rant about the ex's parenting savvy, i mentioned that for the most part we get along pretty damn good. I didn't? Really? Ok, well my bad. Because for the most part, we do - now that we're divorced and if we can contain the parenting conversations to those that we agree on. Like the fact that my boys are by far the smartest children ever, not to mention the best athletes...oh, and god aren't they CUTE???
If we stick to THAT script - we are GREAT parents.
Anyway, back to the point.
This week I took the bitch to get serviced. The bitch is my Touareg.
She's your essential "I'm beautiful, I don't have to run ALL the time. Good god woman didn't we just go to the grocery store 2 days ago...why in THE HELL are you asking me to drive you somewhere again?? Those little rugrats you want to pick up from school - THEY GET CRUMBS OF SHIT IN BETWEEN MY SEATS AND LEAVE NASTY STICKY STUFF ON MY CARPET. Get rid of those children." car.
Well, i think she viewed this as her SPA getaway - so she's manufactured fake reasons to get the dealership to pamper her over the weekend and left me, her rightful owner, screwed without a car. The little bitch knew I had not one, but TWO football games on Saturday and like a million errands to run on Sunday - as it IS THE WEEKEND BEFORE THANKSGIVING.
But no, she got her little fuel injected panties in a twist and left me without her high heel wheels.
So...I had to ask the ex to pick us up and take us to the field on Saturday. Not entirely a big deal. But then, he pulled into the driveway and SHE got out. The NEW me.
Now, let me first say - she's not really new - she's been around for months. And there is this big joke in my house that I heart my ex's girlfriend. And to some degree that's true. She's nice, she's cute and my boys love her so for the most part, I'M GOOD. And she's a trainer for teachers and she helps my kids with their homework when it's his week - SO I'M REALLY GOOD there. It could probably be said that there are days when i like her more than i like him.
So, she gets out of the front seat and MOVES AROUND TO THE BACK.
Now that just weirded me out. I even said - hey, i'll get back there with the boys - stay in the front seat. But she just looked at me and said no, it's no big deal and sat down in the back.
So I sat down in the front seat of my ex-husband's car and it became the The New Adventures of Old Sheri.
I'm sitting there, like i had on a million car trips before, with the kids in the back and it felt like I had time-jumped back 5 years.
Except that i had an extra in the car.
That had been on a date with my ex the night before.
Which probably ended in...ok, i won't go there. It wasn't that great then, and i really don't want to think...well, just EW.
That i was actually making conversation with about what they did on their date, where they went, yada yada yada.
My mouth was carrying on the conversation but my mind was cursing Vance like a sailor for taking his car to St Pete to watch his daughter's band competition over the weekend. "No, please go, this isn't a big deal - so i'll be without a car until Monday - it's not an issue - have fun." Yeah.
Sitting in that front seat where i had sat a million times before opened a floodgate of emotions that left me feeling like a snowglobe in a 5 year old's hands. All at once, every fight that we had had during every road trip we had taken jumped out at me as a reminder of why we're not good together. Validation for correcting that wrong. But then, to see my family unit all together in the car - THAT affected me. I still feel so unbelievably guilty about tearing my children's world apart. Everyone tells me that time will turn that guilt around. Well what kind of time are we talking about because i don't see that albatross leaving me anytime soon.
And then there's the whole "girlfriend" thing. I watch how they interact. I hear about their dates or outings in the normal flow of conversation and here's what goes through my mind. Is he going to screw this up? Has he learned anything?
Everytime i hear of them going out - it's in a group of his friends, sometimes hers, but for the most part - always a group. That got real old for me - i wanted to spend time with him away from his family and his friends - but it was never to be which is a big reason i left. He refused to have a relationship with his wife. Does she know that? Probably not. Will she, at some point, say "hey - i need "us" time like i did and get fustrated? What will happen? Will my boys who have already become attached to her get a broken heart if they break up?
What about kids - she's younger - will she want her own? She's a teacher - certainly she will - she loves kids. He's said before he didn't want anymore which is why i had my tubes tied - will he change his mind for her? What if they don't talk about any of this and she's swinging along thinking it will all work out. OR that she can change him. I want to pull her aside and scream 'HAVE A TALK AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE GETTING WHAT YOU NEED because that one? He's not so good at the hard conversations.' But i can't. It's not my place.
When i divorced him - this is something i have to say i didn't dwell on. It seemed lightyears away. Time flies. It will all come out in the wash as my grandmother would say. She's right. I just hope we don't have too many "repeat" cycles. My fingers are crossed for all of us.
courage for the week 4.30.17
7 hours ago