Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Telemarketers are stupid.

Me, answering phone. My CELL phone: "Hello?"

Telemarketer man: "Can I speak to Ms. Simasek?"

Me, annoyed, yet willing to amuse myself and avoid actual work today: "You can, you're vocal chords seem to work well enough."

Confused Telemarketer man: "...Excuse me?"

Me, not enjoying this nearly enough to make up for actually answering the damn phone: "You asked if you could speak and you obviously can, because you ARE."

Now irritated Telemarketer Man (at least we're on the same page there): "Is Ms Simasek there?"

Me: "Yes, i believe she is."

silence.

Him: "Well, can i speak to her??"

Me - exasperated: "Didn't you just ask that?"

Him - even more so: "Look, this is IndyMac calling about refinance options on her mortgage - can i just speak to her?"

Me: "LOOK. First of all, it's MAY, not CAN. May you speak WITH her - not CAN you speak TO her - unless of course this is just a one-way conversation, which, in that case, TO would be appropriate."

heavy sigh. from him. i think there was a slight giggle that escaped from me.

Telemarketer man now ignoring all of that: "I would just like to discuss your re-fi options."

hmmm. i guess he figured out it was me. he gets points for not hanging up.

Me: "OK, what are they?"

Him: "We are offering 4.5% fixed, you're currently at 6.5%. We could refinance you in pretty quickly and get you locked in."

Me: "Ok, what are the costs? What do i have to do to get this started?"

Him: "I just need to query your home's value and check it against your outstanding principal."

This is where you here the jeopardy music start kicking in.......

Him: "huh."

Me: "That sound you just made. What was that?"

Him: "Your house is worth exactly what you mortgaged 2 years ago."

Me: "Shocking."

Him, not truly understanding SARCASM or how it sounds: "No, see, the market has really dipped....."

Me: "Uhm...skippy? i GOT it. i was TEASING. Can you re-fi me or not?"

Poor, poor Skippy: "uhm, no."

Me: "How many of these calls have you done today?"

Skippy: "15"

Me: "How many were you able to actually offer a refi to?"

Skip: "none"

Me: "Do you have a quota?"

Him: "yes."

Me: "and....do YOU have a mortgage?"

silence.

hmmmmm.

Me: "Skippy - i gave you 20% of the purchase price when i closed. From what i'm seeing I'm a rarity. And i have stellar - fly me to the moon credit - and you hold my original note - AND I HAVE NO DEBT - Who in the hell ARE you selling refi's to? "

Skippy: "I really shouldn't take up anymore of your time."

No, SKIPPER, you really should NOT. What you SHOULD be doing is finding a new job. Where you can actually sell something. Good luck out there. And one more thing - if you choose to stay in sales - i have one word for ya. PREQUAL.

3 comments:

Pop and Ice said...

You're back! I've been waiting! Hope all has been fine during your hiatus. I loved you February post comparing your kitchen to Amy's and your fab toenails. Well, now that it's finally Spring in Michigan, we can show our toes if it gets above 60.

Regarding telemarketers - we've just turned off all the ringers on the phones in our house and we only pick up those we can identify that display on our TV screen (if on) or we call back. Or if they really know us, they'll try our cell phones.

You are a fan of Lynne Truss, perhaps? If not, reading anything by her is a treat.

Rose - The Center of My Self said...

I put my phones on donotcall.gov years ago and rarely get calls. Once in a while I get one, but I'm always polite and courteous; it's another human being on the other end of the line. I simply say I'm not interested, thank you, have a good evening. Done and done. No harm put into the universe.

J.J. said...

Man...I love that...sounds like you sent him soooo off his script. :)

I am a new visitor btw....