Sunday, September 20, 2009

'Standing on the Promises' does not mean the same as 'sitting on the premises'.

In other words, walk your faith talk.

Can you be OUT of peace? You can. Well, you can FEEL out of peace. I am. At this very moment, I am very much not in a state of peace, a state of grace or state of anything other than being.

I have been spending small moments in the morning and before bed praying for peace regarding my ex and my church situation. This morning, when it was just me and my coffee and my bible promise book - not one scripture regarding peace touched me. None of them felt 'strong' enough or 'powerful' enough to hold me upright for being around my ex in church this morning. They all felt small and meek. I didn't want anything small and meek. I wanted my grandfather and his hell, fire and brimstone sermons somehow justifying my righteous stance. Validation - where was my scripture on validation????

So, i then flipped pages under the heading "anger". Certainly I could find something there, right? I did. Unfortunately, they were all saying the same thing. Be slow to anger, quick to repent. WHAT??? I can't be just ANGRY without APOLOGIZING FOR IT? Well, that's not working for me today.

And then, when i decided that i should just hang it up this morning, my thumb stopped on this:

A new commandment I give unto you. That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. - John 13:34

That is going to be hard. But, I put my face in my hands and said God, if i can't get to "love" today, at least get me to "peace."

I closed my bible, swallowed one last sip of coffee and got in the shower and then went to church.

And then, as we were standing on the front steps talking to the pastor's wife, ready to walk in, He showed up with her and my kids. I mean, it's a big church, with more than one way into the sanctuary. He seriously showed up in perfect time with our arrival.

God, where is my peace? Can't you cut me SOME slack? So, in we go, them in front. They chose their pew and we walked past and sat 3 pews up. As i'm getting Nate settled into the pew, i feel Vance telling me to move down. THEY ARE SITTING WITH US? seriously? IS THIS ANOTHER TEST? I.cannot.do.this.

They call the kids up to the front for the lead in to Sunday school, and as I'm leading my son to class, the hymn starts.

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul."

God has a wicked sense of humor.

2 comments:

Natalie said...

I LOVE it. God does have a very funny sense of humor.

Hang in there,girl -- it won't last forever. PROMISE!

Rose - The Center of My Self said...

I do applaud you for trying to find a way to get to a peaceful place in your heart. Reminds me of Genesis 32 about first being reconciled with your brother; found a cool link about it: http://www.unionchurch.com/archive/092599.html

My ex did some pretty bad things after he left, including not paying child support and basically ignoring his daughter's existence for her younger years. It was such a long time ago, though, and though he's not excused for his behavior, he tries to be a better person today. When his mom and dad passed away, I was there, and it was actually nice to reminisce about old times and look at old pics from our early years.

May your heart be given peace and healing. Along with those funnies from God - hee!