Monday Morning TMI

So, I have this problem. An e-x-p-a-n-d-i-n-g one.
No, it's not my ass, but thanks for asking.
Nor is it my checkbook - that thing's been on a diet since 1996.

It is SEVERE bloat trapped in my gut. Isn't that pretty? It comes and goes, but has been coming a whole lot more than going as of late, and i didn't even get to have any fun getting it that way. Drinking too much beer or eating fried, greasy, salty foods. NOPE. I eat HEALTHY. So what the hell.

Let's compound that problem with:
constipation (hey, i gave you fair warning in today's title)
slight yeast infection
and anxiety issues that just pushed my stomach over the edge this weekend.

We were visiting V's family this weekend and yesterday over brunch, his mom and i start discussing this whole anxiety, sour stomach issue and the like and I mention that i've had 3 anxiety or panic attacks in as many months. She asked if i take anything for them and i said, "well no, i've never been good at taking meds" and just for the record, i'm not sure if i want to start. Especially since this is a new problem that has developed as of late. Certainly if it came late to my party, you would think it would have the decency to leave soon, right? But i have to say, it made me start to really think, maybe i'm not being honest with myself, maybe i DO need a little somethin-somethin to get through this rough patch. So, on the drive home when i had 4 hours to kill - that's what consumed my brain. Well, that and the fact that my bloated stomach HURT LIKE A BITCH. I didn't get to eat as much lunch as i seriously could have or even SHOULD have because my stomach felt like it had one of the Mickey Mouse helium balloons from Disney World trapped in my gut.

So, i get home last night and go straight to the computer to self-diagnose. THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD, DONTCHA THINK? Drives V crazy. He's probably right. I come away thinking i have a tumor with 3 months to live all because of a little gas.

Anyway, you know how one google leads to another..? Well, i google BLOAT AND CONSTIPATION and up pops Actevia. That leads me to google LIVE cultures, which leads me to google to probiotics - which give me a link for candida. YEAST.

And this is what i find on MULTIPLE SITES:
Too much yeast will severly bloat and constipate. Obviously give you yeast infections from hell, rashes and creepy crawly skin (I have issues where i'm begging V to scratch my back somewhere because it feels like a gazillion spiders are deep inside my skin, and no amount of scratching seems to really get at it) AND CAUSE PANIC AND ANXIETY ATTACKS. How you ask? Because your gut is the prime sensor for telling you when something is amiss, and when your gut is filled with yeast - it can't do it's job, so it sends (as V's stepdad puts it) false alarms off. It is also compounded by hormones (thanks God, because we women didn't get enough shit for biting the godforsaken apple - it's crap like this that makes me seriously doubt that god is a woman) - so right before you ovulate or get your period - IT INCREASES. And don't even think about having sex because all of that shit up in your hoo-ha, well that's just an early xmas present to your man for wanting to paw all over you.

So....i'm thinking i have a BIG FAT YEAST ROLL OF A PROBLEM.

So...this is day one of ACTEVIA, in addition, i'm going to pick up THREELAC - another, stronger, probiotic in powder form at the health food store tonight - because there's this great debate as to whether ACTEVIA does what it really claims because yeast feeds off of sugars (and it's got sugar added) and if the cultures in actevia actually make it past the stomach into the intestines where those little fuckers need to be to get rid of this crap.

SO - here's my call out to my virtual girlfriends - PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS THIS ISSUE - and tell me what you're doing about it. Muchos Flatulence.