Monday, January 11, 2010

Bank of America just called me fat. I think.

After inhaling gallons of eggnog with rum and homemade fudge and lemon squares and gingerbread cookies and and and I gained enough weight to warrant my own zip code.

I decided this past weekend that enough was enough and i was going to do 2 things if it killed me. Make sure my house was cleaned. At least the living room and the kitchen. ok, the kitchen BUT at least change the sheets on the bed. yea. the sheets. AND i was going to go back to yoga dammit.

Now let me tell you all something. I am limber. Pretty much. And yoga happens to be one of those things that i can be away from for weeks. months. OK A YEAR. and still come back and make real yogis jealous. seriously.

So i'm feeling all high on myself even with my eggnog butt crammed into my yoga pants and go to class. The classes are $14. FOURTEEN DOLLARS. The amount is important because IT'S SO SMALL.

I give Debbie my debit card that she swipes and IT GETS DECLINED. I tell her to swipe it again. She does. DECLINED AGAIN. i start to break a sweat. We're in a room all of 5 feet by 5 feet and there are 4 other people behind me. I WANT TO CRAWL UNDER THE COUNTER.

Come on - you KNOW if someone was in front of you AND HAD THEIR DEBIT CARD DECLINED FOR $14 you would be embarrassed FOR them and want to buy them a cup of coffee and drop some nickels in the cup when it's empty. I grab my card, mumble something about there being a mistake, and walk outside to call my bank. REPEATEDLY. Because the number on the back of the card keeps giving me a stupid message about call volume being unexpectedly high or some other crap.

I see Debbie go to lock the door. Damn Yogi. She locks the door so people won't be rude and walk in after class starts and disrupt all that peace going on. So i slam the cell phone and run into class to deal with it later.

How centered do you think i got during that class? Debbie kept telling me to breath and to listen to my inner voice and my inner voice kept saying - WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? CAN'T YOU BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK?? DID YOU LEAVE YOUR DEBIT CARD BEHIND AT TARGET AGAIN???

I finally escape the tranquility being forced on me and get in the car and start speed dialing my bank. When the chick answers the line I patiently explain to her that my card was declined - she pulls up my account and tells me that the reason it was declined was because it was flagged for fraud due to "attempted purchases outside of my normal buying pattern."

Yea. It seems that even Bank of America knows that i damn well don't work out anymore. It's a sad day peeps, a sad day.


Maja said...

Hahaha, that just made me laugh out loud at work! Although I do feel your pain, thanks for making an otherwise crappy morning bearable!

Rose - The Center of My Self said...

"outside of your normal buying pattern" - LOL! You're so hilarious! I'm glad you made it to class, though. Yoga is my sanity-saver.

Amy said...

heh. If I went to the gym I guess this means they'd arrest me.

"eggnog butt" cracked me up, seriously!

Lou Cinda said...

SHUT UP!! This was so funny, but then again NOT! I have laughed out loud and then said "outside her normal buying pattern?" God forbid we should "change" anything in our lives!!

You will be centered and back in shape in no time!

Lou Cinda

Soozcat said...

I'm just trying to figure out what kind of thief would steal a debit card and go on a spending spree in a yoga class... Richard Simmons, gentleman burglar?