The Difference Between a Playmate and a Wife

Thing 1, going through the mail for xmas catalogs: "...when is the ToysRus book coming, it's Octo......Whooooaaa howdy...!"

Ok, not sure i want to know what sparked those last two words..

Oh for fuck's sake. He's got V's Playboy magazine that came in the mail. Don't panic. He can smell fear. Calmly ask him if he can put that down and help you set the table....

Me: "Uhm sweet pea, kind of need some help here with the plates - can you put that down and grab them?" Yeah, that's good...nice and calm. We don't want him to think it's contraband, then i'll surely find it in his sticky little hands later. Ewww. scratch sticky. bad choice of words. And i certainly don't want him thinking that the naked body is bad...let's handle this delicately...

T1, eyes WIDE, as the centerfold falls open.

Me: "HONEY, I asked you to PUT THAT DOWN AND HELP ME SET THE TABLE. That is not for your eyes." Please don't ask me whose eyes it's for...

T1, putting magazine back on top of mail: "Mom...?" Joseph, Mary and Jesus....here it comes...dammmmmit...

Me: "Yes..."

T1: "V knows what you look like naked, why does he need to see this?".

Me: "Good question, babe, good question. I'm sure it's for the articles."

T1: "What are articles?" Yeah, i'm kind of sure Vance would ask that same question...

Later, over dinner, conversation turns to T2....

T2:"...and then Nicholas said that I was stupid and lame."

Me: "Really??"

T2: "Yeah, and I think HE'S the stupid one. He's the one that says this girl in class is his girlfriend, but he can't call her that because she HATES him."

Me: "Right...that would make her a wife..."

T2: "..huh?"

Me: "...nevermind..."