This is what i do when conference calls don't start on time.

This is the bed we have already, but in the color of the nightstand shown (both courtesy of Pottery Barn and Polyvore)

We need to get the nightstands, which are really dressers.

Have the lamp, currently filled with shells.

Have the clock, courtesy of my grandfather - it's an original 'oldey' not a newmadetolookold piece.

Love the bedding - also PB and J'adore the rug - which is Dash and Albert...

Indeciseveness may or may not be my problem.

We, I, have changed our wedelope destination again. I also changed my dress decision again. I have changed the choice of both the officiant and the photographer. I tried to change the date and that is when V about came unglued.

I HATE making decisions. But it's always about the stuff i consider 'small' or less important. You notice i didn't change my decision to marry my prince charming.

I do this with work. Should I hire this candidate or this one? Should I push for this project approval or this one?

I do this with the kids. Where do you want to go on spring break? to the beach? What about DC? The big apple? Do you want to fly or take the train? (Seriously, we LOVE the train).

I do this with my house. V has repainted my dining room so many times the square footage has shrunk.

I have a problem. I just can't decide how to fix it.

A picture. And what's rambling around in my head about it.

I have this picture.

I found it yesterday, buried deep in the bottom of shoebox, stored inside the trunk where all of my pictures are kept, along with my favorite pieces of the boys' schoolwork and projects, and misc Mother's Day cards.

I had forgotten all about this picture. This picture of 5 couples, faded and bent, was taken at one of our weddings of our small group. The men, boys really, were all roommates through college and after. As one would rotate out of the apartment, another would find his way in, yet the group never really got larger - it was always the same 5 guys.

This picture bothers me but i can't throw it away. Kind of like an accident on the freeway, I stare at it, not really wanting to see what's right before my eyes, but unable to look in the opposite direction.

There was so much there to see if we had kept our eyes open and been honest with ourselves. maybe even honest with our friends. I mean that's what good friends do, right? We're supposed to be the ones who say the truth even if it's hard to hear. We didn't do that with each other. We didn't do that with ourselves.

Everyone of us is now divorced from our other half in that picture. Looking back now, hindsight being 20/20 and all (funny how that works) - i am not surprised.

The bride and groom in the picture - the bride decided she had chosen the wrong gender to be partnered to. Up and left a year after their wedding and moved in with her girlfriend. My best friend and her husband that are to their right in the photograph - he was my ex's best friend - he left her for another woman ( I posted about that situation here). The couple next to them, he refused to work, she supported him financially and emotionally and then couldn't take anymore and left. Then there were the "seniors" of the group. They had gotten married first - and had 2 little girls by the time this picture was taken. He decided he played for the other team too. And lastly, there is me and my ex. We had only been married 6 months. I was SO happy. But choosing to ignore what was in front of me - he was not happy. Did not want to be married. But i had forced the issue thinking once we were married he would realize that it was what he had wanted all along. stupid, i know.

I guess I'm bringing this all up because i have this friend that got divorced 3 years ago (not one of the picture people- more recent friend) and the other day she sent me an email and said how her ex-husband's leaving her took her totally by surprise. She was still in shock. She was planning on retiring in a couple of years with him by her side. They were planning their first daughter's wedding when he dropped the news on her.

I love my friend. But really? She REALLY didn't see? Someone that you lived with for 25 years ups and says one day - i really don't love you, i haven't loved you for a long time and i'm leaving, and you DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE THAT WAS COMING? How is that possible?

Looking back at that photo yesterday, i knew that 2 in our group needed to "come out". We knew most of us weren't prepared and some of us were pressuring others to commit when what we should have done was back off and grow up - but we went on bachelor and bachelorette parties and stood with them at the altar and never uttered a peep. Never pulled them aside and said "please please get somewhere quiet for a few days and THINK THIS THROUGH. This is serious business mister. Nope, we all just wanted to play grown up and buy our houses and have our babies.

I worry about my friend because i don't want her to go down another path with someone else and not evaluate where she's going and who she's going with. I want her eyes open and I want her to be honest with herself about what and who is staring back at her. That kind of responsible honesty we owe ourselves - don't you think? There comes a time when you go ok, THAT was a flag.

Because if i'm honest with myself - looking back at situation - i had a clue. i had numerous clues. But i chose to be an ostrich. That worked out well. Not again.

Bank of America just called me fat. I think.

After inhaling gallons of eggnog with rum and homemade fudge and lemon squares and gingerbread cookies and and and I gained enough weight to warrant my own zip code.

I decided this past weekend that enough was enough and i was going to do 2 things if it killed me. Make sure my house was cleaned. At least the living room and the kitchen. ok, the kitchen BUT at least change the sheets on the bed. yea. the sheets. AND i was going to go back to yoga dammit.

Now let me tell you all something. I am limber. Pretty much. And yoga happens to be one of those things that i can be away from for weeks. months. OK A YEAR. and still come back and make real yogis jealous. seriously. I.am.good.

So i'm feeling all high on myself even with my eggnog butt crammed into my yoga pants and go to class. The classes are $14. FOURTEEN DOLLARS. The amount is important because IT'S SO SMALL.

I give Debbie my debit card that she swipes and IT GETS DECLINED. I tell her to swipe it again. She does. DECLINED AGAIN. i start to break a sweat. We're in a room all of 5 feet by 5 feet and there are 4 other people behind me. I WANT TO CRAWL UNDER THE COUNTER.

Come on - you KNOW if someone was in front of you AND HAD THEIR DEBIT CARD DECLINED FOR $14 you would be embarrassed FOR them and want to buy them a cup of coffee and drop some nickels in the cup when it's empty. I grab my card, mumble something about there being a mistake, and walk outside to call my bank. REPEATEDLY. Because the number on the back of the card keeps giving me a stupid message about call volume being unexpectedly high or some other crap.

I see Debbie go to lock the door. Damn Yogi. She locks the door so people won't be rude and walk in after class starts and disrupt all that peace going on. So i slam the cell phone and run into class to deal with it later.

How centered do you think i got during that class? Debbie kept telling me to breath and to listen to my inner voice and my inner voice kept saying - WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? CAN'T YOU BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK?? DID YOU LEAVE YOUR DEBIT CARD BEHIND AT TARGET AGAIN???

I finally escape the tranquility being forced on me and get in the car and start speed dialing my bank. When the chick answers the line I patiently explain to her that my card was declined - she pulls up my account and tells me that the reason it was declined was because it was flagged for fraud due to "attempted purchases outside of my normal buying pattern."

Yea. It seems that even Bank of America knows that i damn well don't work out anymore. It's a sad day peeps, a sad day.

I am officially my own worst enemy.

I got my 9 year old (10 on the 19th as if that matters) a phone for Christmas.

I knew that I would get lots of head shakes from half of our family/friends, and the other half (actually, maybe 2/3's) would not even bat an eye. That is either the perk or the curse of having V work for a cell carrier - while there is cost - it is palatable thus more of our friends' kids have cell phones in their pudgy, sticky, ten year old hands.

I did get it for a very selfish reason - i wanted to be able to call him directly without having to ring his dad's phone every time i wanted to hear his and his brother's voice. And i thought, this child never really asks for anything (unlike his brother), and this one thing he has asked for all year. We even gave him a dummy model back in the summer that i had used in retail when i worked for Sprint and told him that if he could produce the phone every time i asked and it wasn't destroyed or lost - we might consider getting him one for Christmas.

It was the one thing that wasn't lost or detroyed this year. huh.

Fast forward to today. So far:

1. He has called me from his bedroom to talk to my while I'm in the kitchen.
2. Called his dad NUMEROUS times while watching bowl games so that they can 'watch together'.
3. Taken some very unflattering pictures of all of us for his contacts so that these pictures can be enjoyed by all every time one of us decides to call him.
4. Texted me from the couch while i'm in the same.room.
5. Calls and checks his minutes balance so much Sprint is going to call him back and ask him to stop.
6. and the final straw - he googled my name and found ALL OF MY POSTS AND HAS BEEN READING THEM OUT LOUD TO THOSE THAT SHOULDN'T HEAR ALL OF WHAT I'VE BEEN BLOGGING. Why he never did that on the laptop i don't know and it's a mute point now.
   

So. How to deal. how to deal. Delete old posts or say "Screw it. Those are my words and were honestly portraying how I felt at the time."

Meet me under the mistletoe...I have some children I'd like to give you.

"Get your shoes on, i have some errands to run."

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH MOOOOOOOOM I don't want to run errands."

"Get in the car."

"I HATE ERRANDS. I HATE SHOPPING. Why can't i stay here???"

"Get in the car."

"But MOOOOOMMMMM - I..."

"I SAID GET IN THE FRIGGIN CAR. NOW. NOT TOMORROW. NOT 10 SECONDS FROM NOW. NOOOOOOOOOOOW."

"I'm gonna tell Dad - you said the F word!".

sigh.

"Quit ramming the cart into your brother."

"Stop touching your brother."

"Don't SAY THAT WORD."

"I SAID DON'T SAY THAT WORD."

"Don't pick up that box. It's glass."

"CLEAN UP ON AISLE 3. BRING BROOM AND DUSTPAN."

sigh.

"I want THIS for Christmas."

"Can i get it NOW?"

"Why?? PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSE???"

"YOU NEVER LET ME GET ANYTHING AT THE STORE."

"I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!"

me too.

"I LOVE CHRISTMAS, IT'S SO MUCH FUN. RIGHT MOM??"

"ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY"

truly.

You know how holding someone's hair when they puke makes you REALLY tight with them?

i can top it.

It's been a confusing, strange path of late - between me, the ex and the girlfriend/fiance of his. Some of which i've blogged about. A lot of which i haven't. A lot - and i mean a LOT girlfriends - of time on my knees, forgetting what time it was, praying in earnest to show me what to do and how to do it, and the strength to do it with.

It's ok.

I got to"peace".

We've talked. A lot. I found out that I really like her. Like, as in, we would probably be friends if we met up and there was no ex involved. We have glasses of wine, stories about family, jobs, and kids. And it isn't forced. It.just.is. And that's good.

But tonight - tonight it went past that.

My youngest, my Nate, my baby, is sick. Stayed home from school today with stuffy nose, headache, and sore throat.

This was his dad's day - so i went by to see him and see if he needed anything. She walked me up to his room where he was on his bed and as i sat down with the walgreen's bag in my lap on one side of him, she sat on the other.

And that is about when he turned around and projectile threw up. We're not talking baby or toddler puke. We're talking kid, chunk puke (nice visual, huh?).

As i grabbed the bag i had to hold under him - she held his forehead. She never flinched. No gag reflex action. Believe me. I watched. closely. when you haven't had kids - it's hard to stifle that. once you've had one - you hardly notice.

And when he finally settled down, he looked at me and leaned back against her.

and i thought, THAT'S the kind of person that i want backing me up when i'm not around. And as sad as it is - i can't be there every minute - but when i'm not - she will be. And that's ok.