Reason #2,855

Reminder number 2,855 of why i'm not still married to the Things' dad.


Exchange during the ex dropping the kids off after soccer practice this week.

Him: The game's at 1 o'clock Saturday.
Me: Ok. Boys, did you happen to mention to your dad that if you pull any of the shenanigans
that you pulled last night that you have to sit out for the first 15 minutes of the game?


Ts' heads simultaneously look at the pavement in the garage...hey, neat, there's a trail of ants heading into that crack, under that moving box....i wonder if we could makes ourselves small enough and disappear with them....


Him: Uh, no, we're not doing that. I need them for that game.


Excuse me?? Did you just say "we're not doing that" as if you have a fucking say? The last time i checked they were in my house, with my rules, and you're standing in my GODDAM garage. Back the fuck up.


Me: I'm sorry. That was not a suggestion. It's a reality. They know the rules, and that's the
price they pay if they repeat last night's performance. You don't get to mandate how I discipline in my own house.


That sound you hear is his head exploding. It's like the vulcan mindmeld, but on himself. He.hates.me.


Him: You CAN'T do that, Sheri. That's not fair to me. You need to find something else to
take away. They have an obligation to their team. I need all my players.

Oh my f'in god. He cannot be serious. Fair to him? FAIR TO HIM?? How is this about him?? Oh, For fuck's sake, AN OBLIGATION TO THEIR TEAM?! Do you realize how ridiculous you sound? THEY ARE 7 AND 8. ON A YMCA TEAM. YOUR CENTER CHASES GODDAM DRAGONFLIES AROUND THE FIELD AND YOUR SWEEPER THINKS SHE NEEDS A BROOM FOR HER POSITION. THEY'RE KIDS. LITTLE KIDS THAT PICK THEIR NOSE WHILE THEY'RE WAITING FOR THE BALL TO ACCIDENTALLY ROLL BY.

Me: This isn't about you, it's about finding a currency that's so important to them they don't want to jeopardize losing it. Right now, that currency is soccer. Thank you Dr. Phil. How's that WORKIN FOR YA?.

Him: Then I'm not going to coach anymore, that's it.

Me: Ok?? I didn't tell you to coach in the first place - remember?

Him: We'll talk about this later. I'm calling Dr. Barker.

That is our post divorce family therapist. Why don't you call your mommy too? What do you think calling him is going to do? Now you're just embarrassing yourself. Stop. Now.

Me: There is nothing to talk about. And as long as they remember tonight to act appropriately, there isn't anything to worry about, because they'll be there for the full game.

Ok, in case you were wondering, this is your clue to LEAVE.

Him: They have an obligation to their team, SHERI.

Me: They also have an obligation to behave appropriately. That's part of it. If they don't want to let their team down, they need to start thinking about how their actions carry consequences, and those consequences affect OTHERS. Period.

Do you get it, at all?? Please leave. I'm beginning to take back everything i keep telling people about how great we all get along. And that's really starting to upset me. Because i really want to like you as a person, but you are testing my limits here bud.

Am I just a bad mom here? I feel like i'm doing the right thing. We never did see eye to on child rearing, and I'm ALWAYS made out to be the bad guy in these situations. I can't tell you how many times my kids have said to me "You're a mean mommy!"

And HE is wearing on me. He puts on a good show and IT PISSES ME OFF. He shows up for teacher conferences and is at every conference we've had for T1, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DAY TO DAY STUFF THAT MAKES THEM WHAT THEY ARE? Cooking dinner every night? I'm so goddam tired of hearing my kids say when they go over there they eat kids cuisine or have pizza. I'm virtually banned from ordering pizza in my house because it's a staple over there. T2 actually said to me after having been over at HIS house "mommy, can you cook tonight?". What about making them brush their teeth? OR making them REALLY bathe. OR CLEAN THEIR ROOMS?? OR like we just witnessed, hold them accountable for the little things like actions because one day, their actions ARE GOING TO HOLD CONSEQUENCES FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN A FREAKIN SOCCER GAME.

Everyone keeps telling me that i'm giving them what they need, but all i hear is how much i suck and how fun it is to be at dad's. I'M SO TIRED OF BEING WHAT THEY NEED, I WANT TO BE WHAT THEY WANT.

A Very Very Sweet Surprise

Look at this puppy. Isn't this great?? This was just the greatest surprise this afternoon from a very sweet person. And she wrote such a nice card that made me smile all afternoon. I know, i'm getting all sappy on ya. Screw that, it's my blog and i can write sap if i want to. Hmmm, all of that screaming at the Things about the proper way to dust has really paid off - i can see a reflection in the table. Ahhh...and who said screaming at your kids doesn't get you anything. Ha suckers, keep believing that - I HAVE BAPTIST BOOTCAMP DOWN TO A SCIENCE IN THIS HOUSE.

I have been under tremendous stress as of late. Parent/Teacher conferences, multiple showings for my house - traffic in, traffic out (SELL ALREADY DAMMIT). And, then of course, the hostile takeover my company's in right now. Ok...so it really isn't a hostile takeover...it's a merger of complimentary companies...cough, gag, cough...SPEW. And, did i mention that before i came to this company, i left a company I had been with for 11 years because THE SAME DAMN AQUIRING COMPANY BOUGHT THAT COMPANY TOO??

I will very soon be employed by the same company that I RAN SCREAMING AWAY FROM 2 years ago. Talk about the universe trying to send you a message.

Anyway...back to the sweet angel that blessed me with this gift today. This is from Ms. Kim! Kimberly works a company that handles a big piece of my business (hey, i'm nothing if not specific LOL) Anyway, she GETS ME. And i lose things constantly. important things. like emails. about stuff. stuff that's important. AND SHE ALWAYS HAS THEM AND RESENDS THEM TO ME. You rock Kimberly. And...the more I write this...the more it dawns on me that I SHOULD BE SENDING THIS TO YOU. Well, guess what chickie - i'd love to share but the only thing left of that thing is STICKS, sticks sticking out of some cabbage-y looking stuff that i'm pretty sure isn't meant to be eaten. But, trust me....those chocolate strawberries are...uhm....were...yeah, that's it...were...they're gone remember... AMAZING.

THANKS KIMBERLY - I OWE YOU BIG TIME.

Monday Morning TMI

So, I have this problem. An e-x-p-a-n-d-i-n-g one.
No, it's not my ass, but thanks for asking.
Nor is it my checkbook - that thing's been on a diet since 1996.

It is SEVERE bloat trapped in my gut. Isn't that pretty? It comes and goes, but has been coming a whole lot more than going as of late, and i didn't even get to have any fun getting it that way. Drinking too much beer or eating fried, greasy, salty foods. NOPE. I eat HEALTHY. So what the hell.

Let's compound that problem with:
constipation (hey, i gave you fair warning in today's title)
slight yeast infection
and anxiety issues that just pushed my stomach over the edge this weekend.

We were visiting V's family this weekend and yesterday over brunch, his mom and i start discussing this whole anxiety, sour stomach issue and the like and I mention that i've had 3 anxiety or panic attacks in as many months. She asked if i take anything for them and i said, "well no, i've never been good at taking meds" and just for the record, i'm not sure if i want to start. Especially since this is a new problem that has developed as of late. Certainly if it came late to my party, you would think it would have the decency to leave soon, right? But i have to say, it made me start to really think, maybe i'm not being honest with myself, maybe i DO need a little somethin-somethin to get through this rough patch. So, on the drive home when i had 4 hours to kill - that's what consumed my brain. Well, that and the fact that my bloated stomach HURT LIKE A BITCH. I didn't get to eat as much lunch as i seriously could have or even SHOULD have because my stomach felt like it had one of the Mickey Mouse helium balloons from Disney World trapped in my gut.

So, i get home last night and go straight to the computer to self-diagnose. THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD, DONTCHA THINK? Drives V crazy. He's probably right. I come away thinking i have a tumor with 3 months to live all because of a little gas.

Anyway, you know how one google leads to another..? Well, i google BLOAT AND CONSTIPATION and up pops Actevia. That leads me to google LIVE cultures, which leads me to google to probiotics - which give me a link for candida. YEAST.

And this is what i find on MULTIPLE SITES:
Too much yeast will severly bloat and constipate. Obviously give you yeast infections from hell, rashes and creepy crawly skin (I have issues where i'm begging V to scratch my back somewhere because it feels like a gazillion spiders are deep inside my skin, and no amount of scratching seems to really get at it) AND CAUSE PANIC AND ANXIETY ATTACKS. How you ask? Because your gut is the prime sensor for telling you when something is amiss, and when your gut is filled with yeast - it can't do it's job, so it sends (as V's stepdad puts it) false alarms off. It is also compounded by hormones (thanks God, because we women didn't get enough shit for biting the godforsaken apple - it's crap like this that makes me seriously doubt that god is a woman) - so right before you ovulate or get your period - IT INCREASES. And don't even think about having sex because all of that shit up in your hoo-ha, well that's just an early xmas present to your man for wanting to paw all over you.

So....i'm thinking i have a BIG FAT YEAST ROLL OF A PROBLEM.

So...this is day one of ACTEVIA, in addition, i'm going to pick up THREELAC - another, stronger, probiotic in powder form at the health food store tonight - because there's this great debate as to whether ACTEVIA does what it really claims because yeast feeds off of sugars (and it's got sugar added) and if the cultures in actevia actually make it past the stomach into the intestines where those little fuckers need to be to get rid of this crap.

SO - here's my call out to my virtual girlfriends - PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS THIS ISSUE - and tell me what you're doing about it. Muchos Flatulence.

1st Month of School done and 1 Parent/Teacher Conference already...I'd say that's about right.

Appropriate mom clothes. check.
Pen/paper. check
Blackberry on vibrate.check
Swig of Vodka in the parking lot. check.
Altoids. Check.


Ok you, don't get mad before you even get inside the door. Shit, M's here first. Damn, how did he beat me here - i mean really, he never was this prompt before the divorce. Half the time he didn't even know we had kids, much less where the school was located.


Me: "Hi, I'm here to meet Mrs. C for a 2:30 meeting."
School Secretary: "Ah, yes, your husband's already in the room, you can go on in."
Me: "He's not my husband. We're not married."
School Secretary: "...uh..oh. Well, your, I mean, he, he's already in the room."
Me: "Thanks."

Well, at least THAT was fun. Why bother mentioning the actual word, "divorce"...it's much more fun to watch THEM trying to determine if I'm living in sin. Ok, i feel better. Keep walking.


Mrs C.: "...and then he was really worried that the overhead went off for a code RED. The
poor thing was really upset. We all were really, we've never...."


I'm sorry, did you just say "code red"?? What the hell is that?


Me: "I'm sorry, am I late?"
Mrs. C: "Oh, no, you're not late, i was explaining to M that we had our first code red and it really upset T1."
Me: "and what is that..a code red?"
Mrs. C: "There was a burglary suspect that cut across the PE field and ran under our pavillion and they asked us to go into lockdown until the police apprehended him. Your son was really upset. And that is what i really wanted to talk to you both about, he has high anxiety issues. That...and well your son is nothing, if not, well, honest.

Ok, first of all, didn't i write an entire email to you before school started describing the personality traits of T1, and how he has anxiety attacks when confronted with situations that he feels are outside of his control. And how he would be clingy for the first few weeks until he got the drill down? It's not like he doesn't get this honestly. Me and Grey Goose, we're TIGHT. And speaking of 'honest' - what is that last comment about??

Me: "Ok, well, I think I told you about this before school started, right? We've had to address this every year, same thing. Anxiety, clingyness, focus issues."
Mrs. C.: "Right. Well, he i just wanted to talk to you about it because it's disruptive to his learning and maybe we need to keep an eye on it to determine if we need to do something further. I really wouldn't bring it up except that yesterday when I asked the class to raise their hands and give me 100% with showing respect and starting the day ready to learn, T1's hand stayed down."
Me: "Ok...."
Mrs. C.: "And I asked him why he didn't raise his hand, he was the only one in class who didn't, and he said 'Because it would be dishonest."
Me: "ok..."
Mrs. C: "And I asked him how would it be dishonest, and he said because..he could only give 52%."

T1, baby, you continue to make me laugh. That is freaking brilliant. You are SOOO getting ice cream when i pick you up today.

Me: "Well, that IS honest."
Mrs. C: "..yes...well. I think we need to work on this, don't you?"
Me: "Did you ask him why he could only give you 52%?"
Mrs. C: "Yes. He said he felt like that was as much as he could promise and stick to it."

See, i think there's a lesson here people. if you don't have it to give, don't offer it up. or make promises you can't keep. Take it from an 8 year old - honesty is EVERYTHING. Hear that PTA?? I can only give 52%....no, make that 40%....or maybe just 20%....

What I learned at my kids' Open House Night

1. I REALLY don't like a lot of people.


2. I am not a volunteer'er and i am WAY more than OK with NOT spending $50 in baking supplies so that the class can sell cakes and cookies at the bake sale for $.05 each and make $30 TOTAL. Let's call this stupidity over and i'll cut ya a check and keep the $20 diff, k?


3. My ass is WAY too big to sit in my kid's tiny plastic 2nd grade chair.


4. Putting makeup on, cute sandals, skinny jeans AND accessories is WAY overdressed for this event. Note for nexte year: Keds and mom jeans are the apparent dress code. Note to override previous note: I will NEVER wear mom jeans. Or keds.


5. Teachers are not paid enought to put up with both kids AND parents. Parents, when they say that the night is for an overview of what's going on in class and NOT about your specific child - THEY MEAN IT ALREADY - STOP taking up Ms.Crabtree's time about why Sally doesn't like where she's sitting and how she's just not challenged enough in class. We get it, your kid is a gifted - and you're obnoxious.


6. The lunchroom smells exactly the same as it did when I was in 2nd grade - what in the HELL do they feed us in elementary school that makes it smell like canned green beans, plastic tupperware and PineSol??


7. PTA folks - you TOOK UP WAY TOO MUCH TIME telling us how much money you need this year. Here's a thought. Let's scrap Harvest Hoedown, Beach Blanket BBQ, Sally Foster, and Theme Basket Auctions and just tell each parent to send in a check for $300 and we're done. Kind of goes with #2 above. However, If you really want to have an event and get into our wallets - think of something with alcohol and music. There's a reason strip clubs serve alcohol and play loud music, people - TO MAKE GETTING MONEY OUT OF A WALLET MUCH EASIER. Think about it.

Are you smarter than a 2nd grader?

Final words before lights out last night:

Thing 2, climbing up the ladder to the top bunk: "Mom, you ARE going to be there to meet me after school RIGHT???"

OK, yesterday you didn't want me within 20 feet of you at pickup, WTH?? I had cursed your little ass for growing up so quick and shoving me aside at the tender age of 7. Not that i'm holding a grudge or anything. Nope, not me, i'll just quietly sit in the car and wait on you to find me. This must be what MY mother feels like.

Me: "Nope, you have golf team after school remember? I'll pick you up after,"

Thing 2: "NO MOOOOOOMMMM, you HAVE to be there after school, somebody has to walk me over to the coach - it's the rule - REMEMBER??? You're going to get me in trouble!!!"

Look kid, you better get used to it. At least it's for something small like cutting across the middle school soccer field un-chaperoned - and not my mouth. You will come to understand that it's usually what comes out of my mouth that gets EVERYONE in trouble. I'm apologizing now in advance for all the torture that i'm sure you will be forced to endure as you grow up.

Me: "Babe, your teacher walks you over, just like she did last week - and the week before that. What's the deal - why are you having such a meltdown?"

Thing 2: "NO MOM - SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE THERE TOMORROW - WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE TEACHING!! - MOM, YOU HAVE TO GET ME TOMORROW."

Me: "T2, look, whatever teacher teaches tomorrow, i'm sure they are more than capable of walking all the boys over to golf team."

Thing 2: "NO MOM, HE'S A RENTAL, HE WON'T KNOW!!"

Me, laughing out loud: "Do you mean he's a substitute??"

Thing 2: "HE'S NOT SMART ENOUGH TO BE A REAL TEACHER - THAT'S WHY HE'S ONLY A RENTAL!! They won't let him teach for real."

See, he is my kid after all. Come on, everybody thinks it, but only the smallest ones are able to just put it right out there. Mr. Substitute Teacher, I salute you. Good luck to you. I hope you turn out to be REALLY SMART. Smarter than a 2nd grader anyway.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

I sincerely believe that. Because my mother is the QUEEN of pouncing on me just when other things in my life begin to settle down. It makes one really appreciate the phrase "no rest for the wicked".

NOTE - LOOK ALL THE WAY TO THE RIGHT AND PAUSE OR STOP THE MUSIC LIBRARY FROM PLAYING BEFORE YOU PLAY THIS CLIP. IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT - TRUST ME.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood - Phone Call Movies & TV SPIKE.com

This is the best mother-daughter scene EVER. It's funny because it's TRUE and it depicts every fight i've ever had with my mother. Thank you, Ya-Yas. It is because of moments just like this in my life that i got down on the ground at my first ultrasound at the sight of my son's pee-pie. HALLUJAH, the crazy stops here.

I was born and raised in the south. YES, FLORIDA IS THE SOUTH. In fact, i'm pretty sure you can't go much farther south. We southerners are crazy. If you've seen any films like the one above depicting crazy southern women, or others like Steel Magnolias, Sweet Home Alabama, Something to Talk About and the like, . . . and you're not from the south, you probably think that Hollywood is just hyping up that southern stereotype.

Silly girls.

I love my mother and while i'm sure she loves me (I think it's a law that your mother has to love you right? Especially if you're her only child..?) We don't get along all of the time. IN FACT, i would venture to say that we're are going to have some kind of knock down dragout fight at least once a year. Over something stupid or small that gets totally out of hand. And neither one of us will give in, goddam it, because someone has to win - otherwise that fight was justed wasted energy that we could have put into:

• a) yelling at our significant other (because southern women always get the last word when fighting with a man)


• b) gossiping about another woman from from church or junior league


• c) or fighting with the older generation - i.e. HER mother. (i actually prefer this one because it's like watching the Olympics)

So far, this fight has lasted 7 weeks. No phone calls. No emails. No nothing. hmmm.

Ask me what it's over and i couldn't tell ya. I mean, I could tell you where it started (at V disciplining Thing 1 harsher than she thought necessary)...but it's not where it eventually went to an hour later (as she was SCREAMING at me and my dad on the balcony of our vacation condo that she didn't approve of my lifestyle. No, i'm not a stripper, i'm actually a pretty well paid account manager for an ISP)...or where it ended up when I told my dad that "She needs to go. You need to take her. NOW." (This was when she told me that i had NEVER LIKED HER, I HAD ALWAYS HATED HER) Seriously?? What am i... 13?? Somebody get this drama queen an agent - with scenes like this, there's big money to be made.

I will keep y'all posted on this cold war and let you know if there are any new developments. In the meantime, i will go and make sure my phone line is working so that when she does call, it will ring through loud and clear.